Monday, April 30, 2012

When Zombies Write Posts...

Warning: The following post has been written and "proof read" by a Zombie, any and all nonsensical statements were not on purpose. I apologize for the confusion and hope you can decipher Zombie. If you can't, feel free to send me an abundance of Jamba Juice's Strawberry Surfrider with extra immunity boosts to ensure there will be no more Zombie guest appearances this season, thanks. Oh and if you put some Vodka in it I'm sure that will help loads too. Thanks.

Guess what, Alonso got an RBI single in the second inning to give us an early lead and I wasn't looking... again. Wieland was doing work for himself tonight, killing it on the mound and raking a base hit as well PLUS he always wears the uni the right way and I love him for that. With Wieland on first Deno crushes the ball, if any other player with the exception of probably Alonso and maybe Nick, that double would have been an RBI but it's not and that's okay because it was done with no outs. Wait a minute, this is the Padres and we like to strand guys in scoring position when we have no outs... the third inning was no different than 97% of the season.  I checked twitter after we didn't bring the runners from second and third around and saw this tweet....
To which I responded "you know that means we won't end up winning right #AshleyTheories I'm totally ok with them proving me wrong though". Clearly my theories are correct and I need to trademark them or something before some ass dick steals them.

Well that fucktard Braun went and hit a HR to tie the game in the fourth inning and now I'm a pissed off Zombie. Alonso's failed attempt to dig the ball out of the dirt after Hudson made a somewhat fantastical play to save the ball from going into RF did not help make me a non pissed off Zombie. I swear I need to go and show Alonso how to dig balls out of the dirt or at the very least get him to do the splits so he can extend that reach just a little further. I promise I won't stretch your boy parts... too much. 

Good Lord, the fourth inning has turned into a shit show for the Padres and they now trail 3-1. Bartlett did something surprising and got an RBI double and moved to third on the throw to the plate. Alonso on his attempt to score apparently forgot he was playing baseball and not hockey and body checked the catcher... it was ugly. If you're planning on trying to take the catcher out can you at least slide and make it look like I expect it to look?? Either way the Padres got one run back. 

Welp, that douche lord Braun did it again and the Padres now trail 5-2 in the fifth. I'm not entirely convinced that he wasn't and or isn't on steroids. He absolutely murdered that ball, in the marine layer no less. So much for Wieland killing it on the mound... it's not his fault he had to face that needle ass (word courtesy of Jeremy Nash). Padres had runners on first and third with no outs in the bottom of the sixth  and Bartlett hits into a DP but the runner on third scores, sweet Padres down by 2 now. Enter Frieri in the seventh and enter another HR for that fuckbag, Braun, in the boxscore. Padres now trail 6-3 and my patience for this game is beginning to run out... don't they know I could be watching my cheesy gymnastics show instead?? 

Apparently Mark Grant and Dick Enberg are just as over this game as I am because they just felt the need to show us the insides of a baseball which is totally disturbing. It's way grosser than the insides of people and animals. I should know, I'm the weirdo that enjoys dissections and watching surgical videos. Damn, that motherfucker did it again.. well not a HR but a 2 run triple, close enough. How have we not figured out to maybe walk him or conveniently let one slip and drill him in the face?? Seriously four plate appearances, three of which resulted in HR's and not one of them caused anyone to think "hey maybe we should walk this guy??" we fail at life.

Clearly when a Zombie writes a post you get some colorful names as well as some off the wall shit too. I'm not sorry. Just be glad I'm not sleep deprived, it would be worse which may have made it more interesting... Padres lose 8-3.

Record: 7-17

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Padres Lose but I Got to Play in a Spongebob Jumper So It's Okay

Clearly my decision, and by decision I mean having no choice, to go play in a jumper at my nephews birthday party instead of watching the game live was a smart one. Okay, I had a choice to play in the jumper. I did not however have a choice on going to the party. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and all but can you not schedule things when there is baseball on?? Thanks. But like I said, it looks like going to the party was the smart decision as I am watching the game off the DVR right now and Clayton already screwed up his pick off attempt and Venable well yeah... Not to mention Clayton and his whole lets give up a HR to Pablo thing, giving the Giants an early 2-0 lead. Let me just say, I have seen enough HR's given up by my pitchers today and I don't want to see anymore for the rest of the season. I know that's asking for a lot but what can I say, I expect the best #SpoiledBratProblems. That final out in the bottom of the third was smart on both Parrino and Clayton's part. After the ball caromed off Guzman I thought "awesome, there's an extra out for the Giants" but Parrino did something that I honestly don't think Hudson would have done, played the carom and made the throw to Clayton who thought enough to cover first. I didn't expect Clayton to be covering first especially since I didn't expect Parrino to play the carom, well done boys, well done. Deno cut the lead in half during the fifth with an RBI double to score Bartlett. Clayton is clearly not having it today as he gave up a 2 run triple in the bottom of the sixth and I'm not entirely sure I believe Venable's attempt to catch it and save a run. Then again I'm half heartedly paying attention to this game. I guess that's what happens when you have been feeling like crap for the past couple days and spent some time playing in a little kids jumper earlier in the day. Lesson not learned. Unless I feel like I'm about to have an exorcist moment, you can bet your ass that I will eventually end up in a jumper. With the Giants leading 4-1 in the eighth the Padres bring in Thayer and dear God, his facial hair is traumatizing me. I may need to do a covert operation to shave him which is probably a bad idea because I might accidentally go all Sweeney Todd on him given I've never tried to shave a man before. Enough with the movie references, the game is over and the Padres lose 4-1 meaning we get to wait just a little longer before we get to win a series this season...

Record: 7-16

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Licksumcum Pulls Out the W

This game has to have been one of the most boring games so far this season. Of course it was a typical low scoring game that you would think I would be used to by now but no, my dumbass still expects more than one run to be scored in a game by my Padres. I guess this is what happens when you start watching teams like the Reds who, you know, have the ability to score multiple runs on a regular basis. The closest thing to excitement was in the fourth inning when Alonso and Cam crushed the ball but that fucker, pardon my French, Cabrera took away both possible extra base hits. Naturally after each crack of the bat I yelled "Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going!! Fuck you!!" at the television because they can totally hear me through it. The most confusing part of this game was during the second inning. Why the hell was that Leila chick, who I can't stand by the way, talking to us about Licksumcum's thoughts about his performance so far this season?? Last I checked, Padres fans didn't give a shit what he has to say, or any what any Giants have to say for that matter.


Bass took a perfect game into the sixth before, of course, Licksumcum broke it up. Why can't the Padres ever catch a break with these things?! Last I knew, Friars were tight with God so this whole not having anyone hit for the cycle or throw a perfect game thing is kind of ridiculous. In the matter of one inning we went from a perfect game to losing 2-1, awesome. A "controversial" call at first ultimately lead to the lead being taken away from us. I'm telling you, Alonso, point your fucking toes!! I can almost guarantee you that if he would have pointed his damn toe, we would have got that out. I'm not going to bitch about the ump because he made the right call but seriously, point your fucking toes next time. I'm down to go teach him how to do that if that's what it takes, after all I do have close to 20 years of toe pointing experience aaaaaaaand now I feel really old. Anyway, Bass had a damn good outing minus the whole giving up the perfect game to the pitcher thing. During the bottom of the ninth the Padres pinch ran Bartlett for Alonso... and that just became the most confusing part of the game. I thought the whole reason Bartlett wasn't in the starting lineup was to rest his knee. Pretty sure pinch running isn't how you rest a knee but then again I'm only an athletic training student so what would I know about anything like that?? Padres lose 2-1 and our win streak comes to an end. I guess we will just have to start a new one tomorrow, good thing it's Sunday, funday, runday.

Record: 7-15


PS. For the record, I can no longer pronounce Licksumcum properly so that's why it's spelled the way it is throughout this post.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Watch Out Bitches, We're Coming!!

First thing's first, I love my Cory no matter how he plays but that will not stop me from going off on him if he has a bad outing... not saying he had one tonight, just saying in general. Secondly, those Giants uniforms are quite possibly one of the ugliest uniforms I have ever seen. Seriously, it looks like a pumpkin threw up all over them. If I had to chose between those and the Padres old yellow and brown ones, I'd chose the yellow and brown. Hands down and I absolutely hate those uniforms.


Okay, so Nick had an RBI double to do something that I don't think has been done yet this season, give our starter a lead before he even takes the mound. Unfortunately that lead didn't last long. My boy gave up a HR and you bet your ass I had some constructive criticism for him. We hadn't even made it through the first inning and already collected two errors, one on Chase and one on my boy Parrino. Chase's error pulled Alonso off the bag and as you know I'm not a fan of Alonso so I had some constructive criticism for him too. It went something along the lines of "point your fucking toes". It might not be much but pointing his toes could have given him the extra stretch he needed to get the out... gymnast concerns. Clearly Parrino was channeling Bartlett when he committed his error because there is no other explanation for him to not make that. Hudson is still doing work and with an RBI double the Padres took the lead once again. Cam helped out with an RBI single extending our lead to 3-1. Okay, it seems as if Parrino channeled Bartlett the entire game. I don't appreciate that. I also don't appreciate Posey getting an RBI double to make it a 3-2 game, go break your leg again. Okay I don't mean that. Wait, yeah I do... that was an awesome injury and I'm broken like that. Hudson committed an error putting the error count in this game at 3 and causing me to yell "OH JESUS!!" in fear that we were never going to get out of this fifth inning. Guzman had a double in the seventh followed by a stolen base and a Headley RBI to give the Padres a 4-2 lead. A wild pitch brought in Chase from third making it 5-2 Padres. Clearly I should have sat awkwardly on the couch earlier during the game and maybe the Giants would have started falling apart a little bit sooner. Cashner continues to do his best to make sure that I don't like him by almost walking Posey only to give up a HR to him, which cut the Padres lead to two. Street came in to get the save and I'm not entirely sure he doesn't wear his pants like that to traumatize me. No joke, they are so tight that even when he bends over they are still up his ass. I hate that I'm so concern about the health of his balls but once again, I'm broken like that. I also am waiting for the game where he just rips his pants mid pitch. Guarantee you I won't be able to stop laughing if that happens. Alonso about made the game last longer than it needed to and I may or may not have yelled "you suck at life" at him before he managed to get the ball to Street for the final out. Padres win 5-3 and have another win streak going on.

And because it feels like it's been too long since I've bitched about the strike zone... Riddle me this, since when is pitch 2 a ball??


Record: 7-14

PS. For the record I may wish an injury on someone but I very rarely actually want anyone to get hurt. I just really enjoy seeing a good injury.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Girls Know Baseball Too

That awkward moment where you know more about baseball than the two guys talking around you about it and they ignore you when you say anything only to announce what you just said 2 minutes later after they looked it up on their phones. Yeah that just happened this afternoon. I was super annoyed by this. Also they were acting like it was no surprise we lost 7-1 yesterday. Hi, umm we were in it until the bullpen shit the bed as I tried to explain but of course was ignored. I also had tried to explain that the Nats are actually good right now. Oh and they thought it was big news that Bell blew a save... ummm he's been blowing saves left and right this season. Apparently it's lets ignore the tiny girl who is "trying" to talk baseball with us week because they did this shit on Tuesday too. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't know shit about baseball. I don't wear baseball stuff cause I think it's cute... usually. Not to mention I had to correct one of them on Tuesday when they tried to tell me that Spence throws triple digits. I informed them it's Cashner and I got a "whatever" response. Not my fault you don't know your facts bro. Sorry, I'm in a bad mood and that shit really pissed me off today, I had to get that out.


Now that that rant is over it's time for the relevant stuff. So whatever Cam's streak was must have been broken yesterday because he is back to not wearing his uniform the way I like it. That makes me really sad, what doesn't make me sad is the fact that the San Diego Chicken was there tonight. Well actually it does make me sad because I wasn't there to see him in person. Like I just said, the San Diego Chicken made an appearance during the 4th inning and caused me to start doing the Chicken Dance. Not even joking, I sat here doing the Chicken Dance and singing the song. His appearance also caused the Padres to have the bases loaded with one out, until Bartlett came up then it was obviously it was up to Volquez to bring in the runners himself. Clearly we don't deserve to win this game because as you should know by now my theory on having the bases loaded and not being able to score. Tonight is just proving my theories correct, first the bases loaded one and then the triple one. The Nationals got the lead first... fucking Jason Werth and his fucking bum ass beard. Volquez and Alonso did very well tonight but I still don't like either of them. Volquez just looks like he doesn't belong in a Padres uniform and if you have been following me on twitter these past few days you know that I feel like Alonso is a giant douche bag. I have never met him but he has something about him that just screams "I'm a giant douche" and I will continue to think this until I meet him and am proved wrong. We seriously did not deserve to win this game but Kotsay thought differently. He gave us the lead and we got to see Street and his suffocating pants come in and get the save for the first time in awhile, potentially starting a new win streak. Padres win 2-1

Record: 6-14

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Guess Who's Back, Back Again...


The shitty Padres of the first three weeks of the season are back. Fan-fucking-tastic. What happened to those boys who showed up in the final two games against the Phillies?? I miss those ones. Wherever you guys are, can you please come back out of hiding?? We need you to come out and play if we want to enjoy the rest of the season and I think I speak for every Padres fan when I say that we do indeed want to enjoy these games. So come play with us, pretty please with cherries on top and whipped cream and hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles and, and... me?? Or all of that on me. If it makes you come out of hiding, I'm game. Now that you've got that mental image in your brain, I'm going to give you a new one. I feel like Street's pants are so tight that he's going to get a yeast infection... if that's even possible. You're welcome. You should have read that off my twitter but I had to share that on here too because that is a legitimate concern. My theory is if I don't own clothing that tight, a guy shouldn't either. Pretty sure it's a health risk for your balls and being a professional level athlete I would assume you would want to do everything in your power to make sure you pass on those highly developed genes. Speaking of a relief pitcher's balls, I really wish our bullpen would be consistent again. One day they get the job done, the other day they implode. Our bullpen has often been the only bright spot on this team and now well, we are just lucky if they don't walk in a run. I fear that this season is going to drag on and that I will begin to lose love for this team. I absolutely love baseball but if we continue to play like this I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh yeah, Hudson hit a HR, Cam still wore his uni the right way and Alonso finally got a hit when I was watching unfortunately we lost 7-2.

Record: 5- 14

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

An Awkward Dive, a Phantom Balk and an Ejection

I feel like the way I have been titling some of these post that I'm writing the titles for episodes of Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place. So yeah, Clayton had a no hitter going through five and then the Nats got a hit and Deno made the most awkward dive on a one hop ball. Why he dove after the ball dropped, I have no idea but it was ugly and I wish he didn't do that. In the sixth the home plate ump called a balk on Clayton... seriously?! You don't know by now that that is his pick off move and not a balk?? The phantom balk call led to an ejected Bud Black... awesome, finally something exciting happened in this game. For once I wasn't being sarcastic when I said that. I am legitimately annoyed that this game was so boring considering how worked up I was earlier when I was trying my hardest to get the rest of the Reds game during class... I never got it to work and that is totally contributing to my annoyed state right now. Anyway, Cam is once again wearing his uni the proper way which proves to me that my theory was right and that he does indeed have a superstition going on. Clayton got pulled after 6 1/3 and allowing two runs to come in and score leaving it up to Luke to get out of the inning and strand the runner on first. Also Clayton needs to get a new hat because all that salt around it is beginning to disgust me. Parrino came in to pinch-hit for Bartlett and my heart jumped for joy, then jumped again when his bloop single and Werth's inability to pick up the ball led to Cam coming around to score and once more when Parrino stole second. Have I mentioned how much I love Parrino?? Exciting moment of the game number two, Chase nearly taking Burnett's head off. I would have been scared for the guy but I was too busy yelling "OH SHIT!!" when the ball didn't take his head off. Venable had a "Not Top Ten" moment losing the ball in the lights which lead to a triple that eventually came around to score to give the Nats a 3-1 lead in the top of the ninth and that is how the game and our win streak ends. It also proves my theory about an off day coming in the midst of a win streak. Now on to the next day.

Record: 5-13

Monday, April 23, 2012

Off Days, Giving Us Another Reason to Hate Mondays

As if Mondays and off days weren't annoying enough, we had to combine them today. Out of the three teams I have been following this season (Padres, Indians and Reds), none of them have a game today and I don't know what to do with myself. What are the odds of that happening though?? Seriously, I don't feel like doing the math.

Because off days aren't bad enough as it is, I feel like ours always come at the worst possible time for us. They seem to always pop up after we play, and win, a few games where we look like a professional baseball team... for the most part. This, to me, ruins our momentum. I know it's not the schedule makers fault for this and it's all on the Padres but can we catch a break sometime this season were we don't have an off day after we finally show up to play?? I would really appreciate it if we could hold a win streak for longer than two days before we have an off day. Not to mention tomorrow starts the series against one of the best teams in the NL right now, the Nationals. Yeah, go ahead and let that one sink in. Pretty sure we need all the momentum we can get for that. With all of that being said all I have left to say is, off days, you can suck it.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

We Are Here to Play Now... I Hope

I don't know where these Padres have been hiding these past few weeks but I'm glad they decided to show up yesterday and again today. This is how I expect them to play, with the exceptions of the errors and walks of course. Hudson has tripled in two consecutive games which is very surprising. Go ahead and try to tell me he's not playing for his life right now. I am impressed that he can play like this but it is pretty annoying that it takes playing for his life for this kind of play to show up. Nick was halfway to the cycle, knocking out a triple and a HR. Unfortunately he didn't get enough at bats to accomplish this, once again leaving the cycle a unicorn for the Padres. Cam rocked the short pants, high socks look for the third game in a row... I smell a superstition. I don't know what his superstition with that is but I hope it didn't get ruined today.

The Padres win 6-1 to split the series with the Phillies causing me to remember what it feels like to win two in a row and damn does that feel good. Who would have figured that the Padres would not only split the series with the Phillies but have an abundance of triples in doing so?! Now lets continue to play like we did these past two games but can we please cut out the errors and walks, thanks.

Dear Nationals,
We have a win streak going on now, watch out!!
Sincerely, The Padres

Record: 5-12

Roy Halladay Who??

Suite Life
Cory got the job done tonight with eight scoreless innings of two hit baseball and all because I was there... creeping on him... from a suite, obviously. Sure a suite isn't the ideal place to creep from BUT who in their right mind turns down a suite?! Also I have come to the conclusion that he was performing so well tonight because I was being THAT girl and kept making that stupid heart with my hands when I would get really excited and say either "I love Cory" or "aww Cory". So according to superstition I have to do that from now on when he pitches. I really wish I didn't have to continue to be that girl but I will gladly take one for the team if it means Cory has more amazing outings. From the looks of tonight's game I think it is safe to say that I am still Cory's good luck charm. Every season there is one pitcher that whenever I'm at their games, they seem to win and it's looking like my luck for Cory has continued into this season. 

All in all tonight was a fantastic night and I don't know what was more surprising, finding out our seats got upgraded, seeing Hudson AND Bartlett get hits with runners on and two outs or beating Roy Halladay. I got a text from a friend, who is a Padres fan, saying that he was excited to see Halladay fuck up the Padres... or something along those lines. That annoyed me. Even later in the game when my brother called me he said that the Padres weren't going to win, clearly he thought Halladay was going to be the victor in this one. Which brings me to the title of this post, Roy Halladay who?? You deserve to be questioned like that when you lose to the worst team in baseball. Okay, the second worst team in baseball... I gave the Royals too much credit, sorry about that. 

Padres win 5-1
Now back to the Padres aspect of this. Obviously Hudson knows that he needs to step his shit up or he will be out of here. That is the only explanation for how he has been playing these past few days. Seriously could you think of any other reason for him to suddenly step up and make nice defensive plays and actually get some hits?! Yeah, I didn't think so. I'm also super suspicious about him all of a sudden being interviewed after the games now. I'm fairly confident he is doing that to try and prove that these rumors about him being the first to leave the clubhouse aren't true but when you think of it someone has to be the first to leave, right?? Either way I would have loved to be that Leila chick tonight when she interviewed him just so I could ask him what it feels like to basically be playing for his life. I also would have loved to be her when she interviewed Cory. I guarantee you if I were the one interviewing him two things would happen. For one, it wouldn't have been allowed to be televised and for two, I would have lost my job on the spot because I'm pretty sure raping him on camera would be frowned upon in any industry, well almost any industry...

Record: 4-12


PS. Thanks Brandon for taking me to the game and thanks to your season ticket rep for hooking us up with the suite, it was amazeballs.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Can We Stop Losing Please??

Well the Padres were getting hits tonight but none of them were coming around to score. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather you not get my hopes up by getting all these hits, just make the outs already. Through four innings we had seven left on base and then Cam got a leadoff triple to start the fifth. Not going to lie, I was worried that we were going to do exactly like we did last night and waste it. We didn't and according to my theory this means we should be able to win the game but we won't because Volquez loaded the bases with no out. Just when I thought I might be able to give him a chance too. And just like that Cashner came in and gives up two hits to give the Phillies a 3-1 lead. I'm not sure what's worse, that Volquez loaded the bases with no outs or that when we doubled switched to bring Cashner in we took Parrino out and put Bartlett in. Padres doubled switched again later in the game bringing in Thatcher and replacing Cam with Venable. These double switches tonight are baffling. Lets take out the better guy for a guy not nearly as good, yeah that makes sense. Obviously those double switches worked cause we weren't winning or anything before they happened...


For all the bitching I have done the last couple games about umpires, I LOVED tonight's home plate ump. He called out Victorino for not trying to get out of the way of the pitch, unfortunately that lead to him hitting a HR but still, how many umpires do you see make calls that they SHOULD be making like that?! Plus calling, I think, Pierre out earlier in the game for having his foot out of the box when he bunted, can we clone this ump?? Please?? I would have loved to see what he would have done about that "triple play". Padres lose 4-1 but hey, at least we scored this time. Maybe tomorrow we can score more than one run and ya know, maybe get a W.


Record: 3-12

Thursday, April 19, 2012

At Least Our Pitching Looked Good...

And that's all she wrote. Seriously, we got shutout. I suppose I should mention that the strike zone was all over the place tonight. I would LOVE for someone to explain to me how pitch 3 in the first one is a strike and how pitches 2 and 6 are balls in the second one because I sure as hell don't understand it. Like I said last night, can't we just stick with the strike zone everyone was taught?! Stop trying to confuse me!!



Now for something other than me bitching about the strike zone... I believe it was Hermida who actually did something for us during the game with a lead off triple and like my theory about leaving the bases loaded, you can't win a game if you don't bring him home!! It's a lead off triple for Christ sake, you have three fucking outs to do something with it and you do nothing?! You deserve to lose. Oh and Venable's attempt to take the catcher out, PATHETIC. I don't even know how to explain that besides an awkward double play. Which by the way I totally called.... just not the awkward part. Also Hudson and Bartlett are worthless and it was only fitting that the final out of the game came at the bat of Bartlett. 


Record: 3- 11

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

You Can Fucking Kiss My Ass, Human Centipede

This post has absolutely nothing to do with tonight's Padres game since I have been too busy trying to figure out this strike zone for the Reds Cards game. I have two examples from sometime between the first and the fourth inning of that game, both are on Latos and I just missed an even better one on Garcia. The one I missed showed at least two pitches that were clearly in the right hand corner of the strike zone that were called balls, this baffles me. I hate how umpires can decided what their strike zone is going to look like. Can't they just stick to how everyone was taught?! It would make life a lot easier if they stuck with the whole between the letters and the knees thing and the whole crosses any part of the plate thing. The only thing I can say about this game is at least the umpire was making shitty calls for both sides... Because I need another reason to hate umpires after that bullshit triple play call on Sunday. I'm not even going to get into that, bringing it up was enough.
Example 1

Example 2
To go with the whole you can kiss my ass theme, tonight I learned a valuable lesson... DO NOT search any of your favorite players on twitter. I am one of those people who gets very attached to my players and cheer for them like they are my best friend and if I really like you, I follow you throughout your career. I made the mistake of searching Latos tonight and I must say, I'm offended at peoples reactions. Whether it was Reds fans or Cards fans they need to lay off. I mean seriously some of them had nothing better to say than to talk shit about his tattoos. Coming from someone who often talks shit about peoples tattoos, it's fucked up. You don't know the story behind peoples tattoos and I should most definitely leave my comments in my head because of that. Now back to baseball related things, I understand Reds fans are pissed with his performance but if they took the time to look up the stats on him they would see that he is a slow starter and as the season goes on will prove that the trade was worth it. What is even more fucked up about the shit that was coming up under the search was that people were getting on his wife for his performance... well I can only assume they were since tweets that said something along the lines of "Cards fans do yourself a favor and follow Mat Latos' wife, you're welcome" were popping up in the search. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to 1) be a player who has a twitter account and seeing all the hate after a game or 2) knowing a player and reading all the hate and having some be directed at you. So can someone remind me to never search a player again?? Thanks.

Oh yeah, the Padres lost. Go figure.

Record: 3-10
PS. This post has made me feel super hypocritical as I am a huge fan of talking shit about people I don't like and I feel like this whole thing deserves a big fat "mow my lawn" or one of those stupid "if (enter sport here) was so easy, they would call it (enter different sport here)" comments. 


Credit Childish Gambino for the title tonight.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Well That Was Embarrassing

All I have to say about tonight's game is... Wow, we lost to the old guy. Oh, and suck it Tulo. Six errors in eleven games?! High five. I will say this though, the highlight of the game was definitely seeing Blake Griffin. Alright, I'm ready for tomorrows game though I'm not sure how much of my attention will be focused on it, being a masochist is only fun for so long.


Record: 3-9

Monday, April 16, 2012

Lube, Oops I Mean Lueb Gets It Done

"KY Jelly was a popular lubricant." - Dick Enberg
Clearly, talking about KY Jelly gets you some offense. If you don't have FSSD you were saved from being traumatized for life by having to hear Dick Enberg talk about using KY Jelly. Sure, he wasn't talking about it in the way everyone knows it's used for but that was the problem, EVERYONE knows what it's used for. I, for one, am severely traumatized now. Despite the trauma I suffered, I did get to enjoy Cory killing it tonight... and now the KY Jelly reference makes sense. Ladies love Lueb, KY Jelly.... yeeeeaaaaaah, let that one sink in. That Enberg is a sneaky old bastard. Anyway, Cory was playing like the guy we extended and was rocking it, or should I say rubbing one out, tonight. I'm gross, I know but I had to do it considering the theme of the night. Cory gave up one run through 7 innings, in Colorado at that. Cashner came in to throw a scoreless eighth and Ownings came in for an "uno, dos, adios" ninth inning. Padres win thanks the the numerous doubles we felt the need to hit. I just hope we saved some for the rest of the series... or season for that matter. Also I hope we keep Hudson out of the lineup from now on, good things come when he's not playing.

Record: 3-8

PS. Tulo's shoes looked like he killed Barney and turned him into cleats.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

You're a Shit Stain on the Underwear of Life

First thing's first, Happy Jackie Robinson Day. I love the way MLB chooses to honor him by having everybody wearing 42 on their jerseys but it confuses the hell out of me. I already have a short attention span and rely on the numbers to tell who is up so this whole everyone wearing the same number thing does not work for me. I think they should make it mandatory that everyone should wear their uniform the correct way as another way to honor him. Then again I love that look and think it should be worn like that every day.


Okay, so it's Volquez's third start and he hasn't been that fantastical in 2 of 3 so that means it's been long enough for me to legitimately bitch about that trade right?? If Alonso would have started then I would most definitely be complaining but he didn't so I will wait until both of them start the game to get my "that trade" bitch on. I will however get my bitch on about the rest of the game. In the past few games against the Dodgers have we not learned that you don't pitch to Kemp?! Seriously he has what six HR's and four have come against us in the first week and a half of the season and you're still pitching to him because?? Orlando Hudson is doing his best to piss off everyone and if you're on twitter you're aware of this and saw and or participated in #ThingsBetterThanOrlandoHudson. I for one am not Hudson's biggest fan but within five minutes of that hashtag popping up on my timeline I was thoroughly annoyed by it. Credit most of that annoyance to reading someone else's tweets earlier this morning and thinking "shut up, you're a joke". Anyway, I do have to give it to Hudson for wearing his uniform correctly today. That may be the only good thing I say about him for the rest of the season. And just like that I have to eat my words because Hudson just made a double play of the outstanding variety. Wow some crazy shit just went down Guzman hits into a triple play and Black gets ejected  for arguing... that's embarrassing. What makes this even worse is the ump clearly called it foul then changed his mind and called it fair. This is some fucking bullshit unicorn rainbow calisthenics and now makes my title work for not only the way the Padres have been playing but for the umpire as well. The Dodgers shouldn't have jumped Gordon after that hit, they should have jumped Dale Scott. And Scott has moved to the top of San Diegan's shit lists...

Record 2-8

Edit: Here's the triple play bullshit call

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Welcome to the Big Leagues, Kid

Poor Wieland got roughed up in the first but no surprise it was Kemp and Ethier with HR's to get that started. On the bright side, at least Wieland wears his uniform correctly. Other than the first two innings, kid looked decent. I can't say that about the rest of the team. I'd really appreciate it if the Padres would show up to the games because these posts are getting shorter and shorter and very redundant. Not to mention my attention span is getting shorter and shorter. Padres lose 6-1.

Record: 2-7

Friday, April 13, 2012

Beat LA... Or Not

I had high hopes for this game given the outcome of the Harang and Clayton match up last week but sadly those hopes were shattered into a million pieces because Harang was locked in for awhile tonight. That third inning for Clayton was a mess. Not necessarily for Clayton but he sure as hell didn't get the help he needed *cough* Bartlett *cough* Hudson *cough cough* The Dodgers got four in the third but the Padres got three back in the fourth which was very, very surprising. What wasn't surprising, Kemp crushing the ball to further the Dodgers lead. Somehow the Padres have been able to not only hit the ball tonight but score runs, eight runs at that. It's some sort of Friday the 13th miracle, it has to be. Speaking of Friday the 13th miracles, four straight walks to win the game for the Dodgers?! This is completely unacceptable and I would appreciate it if the Padres would stop getting my hopes up. If you are determined to lose, like we are all convinced you are, please just get shut out... it hurts a lot less.

Record: 2-6

Padres, Hodad's and Ball Handling Skills

Well tonight was my first game of the season and I started it the way I ended it last season, with Hodad's. Boss Man himself was there talking to everyone after they ate including us. He actually took my trash for me when I was done which weirded me out. Pretty sure I think of him more as a celeb than I do any of the Padres, no joke.


Tonight was also my first game against the D-backs ever. How it has taken this long for me to see a game against them is beyond me. I have seen every other NL West opponent like 500 times and have seen the Cubs and Cards a good amount of times as well. Anyway Brandon and myself decided because the Padres scored in the first inning for the first time this season that I was good luck, clearly we spoke to soon.


Don't mind my freakishly long looking thumb
The highlight of the night, besides Hodad's, was when I caught a ball from the Pad Squad. I don't even know how many games I've been to but I've never got anything from them until tonight. I don't even remember actually seeing the ball after it left the hand of whoever threw it, since I like my hats big, so for all intents and purposes it was a blind barehanded catch and I should clearly be paid for catches like that. Based off these texts, even my friend thinks so...

Me: "Look what I caught!! I should be on the field ha"
Eric: "I'd sign you on my team." 
Now I'm not entirely sure how I should take that given the history between the two of us but I'm choosing to stick with the "I have good enough ball handling skills that I should be on the team" thing. Enjoy that ball handling skills comment, creepers. Despite the loss, tonight was a good night. I got to eat God's gift to burger lovers, hang out with Brandon and watch my Padres from some pretty awesome seats, catch a ball from Pad Squad, almost died from a foul ball (seriously it landed a few rows back and I was convinced it was going to land on my head) and met up with some other friends, one of which I hadn't seen since high school. So yeah, I'm going with good night.

Record: 2-5

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Luebke, Science, Gymnastics and Baseball...

The game had a weird start time for the middle game of a series and luckily I made it home in time for the first pitch. I may have thrown a bitch fit if I had to miss any of Luebke's start. Now that that little piece of information is out of the way, lets dive right into it.

Cory, Cory, Cory, walking four in the first inning, one of which walked in a run?! I do not approve of this. Next time please remember walking in runs is not acceptable. Love, me.

So we had our first instant replay incident of the year during the second inning.... because we need baseball to be any slower than it already is. You know I'm all for having Cory on my TV for as long as possible but they were too busy showing us where the ball hit the padding 5 million times instead of showing me Cory to which I found very annoying. We saw it the first 5 times you showed it before they decided to go to instant replay, you don't need to continue showing it. Anyway, Cory made up for that first inning by making two awesome catches in the top of the third. Ninety-nine percent of the time when I see a ball coming at my pitcher in anyway I am terrified  for them, think Pujols drilling Chris Young in the face, so when my guys make a play to save their ass, literally and or figuratively, I am beyond thrilled. I remember watching an episode of Sport Science where they calculated the speed of the ball coming off the bat if it is thrown at 95mph. The result, 120mph. Those might not be the exact numbers since it has been awhile since I've seen that episode but you get the idea and now you see why I get so scared for them. For those people who say baseball is so easy and all that shit, how would you like it if a ball was heading at your body at 120mph and you maybe had a split second to react?! Even though I do love to see a good injury, a ball coming back at you is frightening and those injuries aren't usually as epic as say Stephen Drew's broken ankle or Buster Posey's broken leg. God forbid I ever date a pitcher, I will be stressed out every time someone makes contact and IF they did get drilled I would likely feel the need to hop over the walls and anything else in my way in order to get to the field to make sure they are okay. To get back to Cory, with this being his second start I can't believe I failed to mention this the last time, I HATE that he bats right!! I absolutely hate it. Do you not understand that you are exposing your pitching arm and if you get hit you could potentially be royally fucked?! Whoever first allowed you to do this needs to be punched in the face. It should have been apparent which arm was your throwing arm and they should have taught you how to bat from the left like a normal lefty pitcher. I do understand that some people may do everything except for one thing with a certain side because I for one, am one of those people. Everything I did in gymnastics I would do as a righty. Cartwheels, front walkovers, leaps, aerials, etc. except for back walkovers, I always did those as a lefty. Even now most of the things I do, I do as a righty with the exceptions of fulls, I twist to the left, and now leaps which is just weird BUT doing those things from my non dominant side wouldn't potentially fuck my career... assuming I had an actual gymnastics career. Now back to things that actually have to do with baseball and more specifically this game... After a walk to Cam in the eighth, Deno came through with a HR to give the Padres their first lead of the game which couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Deno's homer allowed us to finally get to see Street in a save situation to which he did not disappoint and the Padres went on to win 2-1 to spoil the D-Backs perfect record.


Record: 2-4

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Rainbows, Unicorns and Fairies Shitting Glitter

As I suspected I missed the first inning and a half of the game and spent the rest of the time trying to catch up because of school, I hate when school interrupts my baseball. First thing's first, that whole neither Volquez nor Alonso making it to first for an easy out after the bat shattered thing.... WHAT THE FUCK?! I understand there's a bat flying in your direction and you're focused on the ball but you had the ball and no one hustled to first, why didn't you hustle?! I except you to bust your ass to make an out so I'm not okay with any of this and no, it's not lost on me that the two that fucked that up are the ones we got in that trade I'm still not happy about. Said trade will from now on be referred to as "that trade". O-Dog got a triple tonight?! Holy shit!! No surprise though that after Bartlett drove in Hudson he takes a gamble and makes an out at second. Damnit, stop gambling, we can't afford to give away outs!! I do love that we avoided a strike 'em out, throw 'em out and that Hermida's jersey got covered in dirt. Dirty jerseys are almost as magical as baseball pants and by that theory, dirty baseball pants are full of rainbows, unicorns and fairies shitting glitter, you know everything that girls love. Unfortunately all the magic, rainbows, unicorns and glitter shitting fairies in the world couldn't get the Padres a W tonight.


Now for some random thoughts that I don't know where to fit into this damn thing... I'm fairly confident I heard them play The Message - Grandmaster Flash "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge" in the top of the ninth and now I want to watch Happy Feet. I don't care who you are if you walk the pitcher, you fail at life. Also I think I may have mentioned this before but if you have the bases loaded and you can't score, there is no possible way for you to win the game. It's scientifically proven, too bad the results are only in my head...


Record: 1-4

Baseball Season, Where You Regret Signing Up For Classes After 10 A.M.

Okay, so I realize this probably only applies for people on the West Coast but this is a huge problem for me which is exactly why I'm writing this. Tonight is the first Tuesday night game of the season and until May 24th I will be forced to miss at least an inning or two of my Padres every Tuesday and Thursday night, assuming the game is being played in the pacific standard time zone. This is probably where you wonder what 10 a.m. has to do with night classes. The answer is nothing BUT it has everything to do with day games falling on Mondays and Wednesdays for me. Again, if they're in the right time zone I should be able to make it home in time for the first pitch assuming there's no traffic, I speed the entire way home and get only green lights... but if they play away games in any other time zone I'm pretty much screwed unless I can find a live stream to watch the games in class. Between night home games and away day games, with my schedule, I have to refrain from signing into Facebook or Twitter until I get home and can catch up on the DVR.


As if having to catch up on the game isn't bad enough I am forced to try and concentrate for hours at a time about a subject I could care less about while I know I'm missing one of my favorite things ever. I think either MLB or the school system, maybe both, need to coordinate better with me so that I can be the best fan and student I can be. You think I'm joking, I'm not. It is extremely unfair to think that I will be capable of being the best if, I have to split my mind to accommodate both my love for baseball and my responsibility as a student. In theory I should be able to do this easily but in reality I'm still at that stage where I hate my classes and school can suck it. Now I must mentally prepare myself to try and pay attention during Physics tonight as well as try to forget that I'm missing my boys. Wish me luck.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Zombie Jesus Approves of Sunday, Funday, Runday

I apologize in advance because I know this post is going to be all over the place and long, blame it on my "notes". Today was one of those rare days where my dad will actually watch a Padres game. Like any normal family, we have the game on in two different rooms and are yelling across the house to each other about the game. Our first short exchange came during Headley's at bat in the first inning, it went a little something like this...

Dad: "Does he hit better from the left or the right??"
Me: "Depends on the season."
That was my way of saying I don't really like Headley so I don't pay much attention to his stats. There was another one somewhere in the game about Headley being 0 for 11 and batting him in the third spot to which I replied "most of our team is 0 for 11" which may or may not have been true at the time, I was just implying that so far we have sucked ass. Our second exchange involved Bartlett in the second inning...
Dad: "Bartlett sucks"
Okay, that one wasn't much of an exchange as much as it was commentary. I should have responded with "tell me something I don't know" instead, I got annoyed. It's not my fault I have grown accustom to watching baseball by myself at home and don't like it when someone tries to have a non technology aided conversation with me while I'm watching the game. The annoyance of people speaking to me during the game grew once my grandmother came over for Easter lunch... she's old and crazy which was proved when she started cheering for the Dodgers, because the camo jerseys that we have had for years still throw her off. Seriously, it went like this: Venable hits it deep to lead off the third, I'm yelling "KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING!!" she's yelling "CATCH IT, CATCH IT" which then causes me to yell at her "NO!! WE DON'T WANT THEM TO CATCH IT!!"


To sum up the game, Parrino finally got the start at second which made EVERYONE very happy. Four games into the season and we already rest O-Dog, we will take it!! Chase actually made a really nice play to start the game and kept that annoying Gordon from causing trouble early. Clayton was getting it done today, no hitting the Dodgers through five and giving us a solid seven. The only issue I had with him today was his two fielding errors. I absolutely love Clayton so seeing him make these errors on such simple things kills me. He did give up a HR but it was to Kemp so you can't really be mad at him for that. Also, Cam should have been able to easily take away that HR but that didn't happen and in the end it really didn't matter. The Padres had the lead and refused to give it up. Parrino gets his first career HR, Chase crushes a grand slam to the enjoyment and amazement of every fan and Frieri gives up a HR to Etheir but the Padres hold on to win 8-4. For further detail and random commentary, you can read  my "notes" for the game below. If you don't want to because of the length I won't be mad, I wouldn't want to read it either, just scroll to the bottom and read the last sentence of the final bullet point, it's the only thing that really matters...

Notes:

  • Chase makes a really nice play to start the game
  • Parrino finally gets a start at second and we all know how I love my middle infielders 
  • Clayton looking good after one
  • Cam hit by pitch
  • Venable looking to bunt him over... I have issues with bunts unless you have the speed to beat it out. I don't believe in giving up outs especially when you're the Padres. We need all the outs we can get.
  • Cam with the steal, Venable with the strikeout 
  • Headley's walked 
  • Guzman with a single, Cam in to score, Chase gambles and is safe at third. Padres up one. Two on, one out
  • Alonso flies out to Kemp, Headley comes around to score giving Alonso his first RBI of the season and the Padres a 2-0 lead
  • Baker makes the final out but you know what, who cares, the Padres have the lead for the first time this season
  • Bartlett bobbles but still makes the out. Thank God.
  • Bartlett makes up for the bobble with the next out
  • Clayton's looking good through two. I've missed watching him
  • Bartlett to start the second and strikes out, why do we still have him?!
  • Parrino with a nice base hit to center
  • Clayton looks to lay down the bunt and does, Parrino to second and we have two outs. This is where I complain again about bunting...
  • Cam ends the inning because Uribe had to go and make a nice play to rob him of a hit. This made me very sad
  • Theroit hits it deep causing me to yell "Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it!!"... Cam got it.
  • Clayton puts them down in order again. I love that man.
  • Venable leads off the bottom of the third, hits it deep, I yell "KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING!!"... out, damn.
  • Chase out
  • Guzman safe at first thanks to an error on Gordon. I might not hate him if he continues to do stuff like that
  • Alonso walks, yay!!
  • Baker up with two on, two out... base hit but Alonso makes the final out at third but not before Guzman comes around to score. Didn't anyone teach him, you're not supposed to make the last out at third?! Padres up 3
  • Gordon on, on Clayton error. I yell "Clayton, what was that?!"
  • Clayton continues to show the rest of the pitching staff how to keep the Dodgers from scoring
  • Bartlett out with an ugly swing
  • Parrino with his first major league HR. Padres, now up 4-0. Have I mentioned how much I love Parrino??
  • Clayton up and out
  • Cam with a base hit 
  • Cam with a steal to show you another reason why I love him too
  • Venable walked
  • Chase up and I wouldn't mind a double steal right here but I won't get it but it's okay because Chase just got walked
  • Bases loaded, two outs, Guzman up, fingers crossed.... Guzman caught looking
  • Clayton is having some fielding issues today and I'm not appreciating it but aside from his two errors he has looked amazing. 
  • Five innings in before Clayton gives up his first hit and the Dodgers threaten with two on, no outs
  • Double play and I'm happy
  • Clayton pitches out of what could have been a very bad inning
  • Alonso with a base hit... of course I wasn't looking again
  • Baker with an out
  • Bartlett with a nice bunt, error sends Alonso to third and Bartlett to second
  • Parrino intentionally walked 
  • Clayton up with bases loaded and hits into a double play to end the inning
  • Venable fails at life, ball directly in the center of his glove and he drops it. Third error of the game for the Padres. I promptly yell "OH, COME ON!!" after Venable drops the ball
  •  Kemp is a bitch and hits a 2 run HR Padres up 4-2 now. Cam missed an opportunity to be amazing again
  • Cam makes a nice catch to end this half of the inning, making up for not taking away Kemp's HR.
  • Cam strikes out
  • Venable grounds out
  • Chase walks again
  • Chase steals second for his first of the season
  • Guzman strikes out to end the inning
  • Clayton getting it done in the seventh with help from a nice play at second by Parrino
  • Alonso walks
  • Baker pops up to third, one out
  • Bartlett safe at first, Alonso out at second
  • Parrino grounds out to first. Inning over
  • Clayton done after seven. Cashner in to pitch the eighth
  • Cashner is ridic with his fastest pitch of the day clocking in at 101mph
  • Hermida with a base hit up the middle to start the bottom of the eighth
  • Cam base hit
  • Venable nice bunt
  • Chase WITH A GRAND SLAM!! for his first hit of the season. Padres up 8-2
  • Guzman gets out but no one cares after that slam
  • Alonso out, still no one cares
  • Baker walked
  • Bartlett with a single
  • Parrino with an out to end the inning
  • Frieri in to pitch the ninth and gives up a 2 run HR to Ethier. Ugh, but you know what?? It doesn't matter because we just beat LA
Record: 1-3

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Clearly God's Got Jokes As the Padres Lose In Extras

I don't know why or how I'm going to write this post since I opted to watch the Reds game to see Latos' debut and barely paid any attention to tonight's game when I did switch it over but here goes nothing...

We lost. The end.




Fine, I will go look up the box score and play by play so I can elaborate...

Gordon is quickly becoming a nuisance and I don't know how much more annoying he can get and I would prefer not to find out. We kept Ethier and Kemp fairly quiet so I guess that should count for a moral victory since those seem to be the only kind of victories we can get right now. The Dodgers scored early again and we sucked at life again. That is, until the fifth inning. Some sort of miracle happened and the Padres were able to tie the game at 5-5. An even bigger miracle during that inning, all of the runs were scored with two outs and as if the miracle couldn't get any bigger than that, Hudson tied the game... then promptly cost us more runs. Okay, so technically it was Hundley that made the final out but O-Dog ended up in a rundown so Hundley tried to score which then got him caught in a rundown to end the inning. Also three of those runs came virtue of the Dodgers walking them in, to which I sat back and laughed. The game remained tied until the eleventh inning where that bastard Gordon drove in what turned out to be the winning run. As the Padres lose in extras it has become clear that God's got jokes. How else would you explain the fifth inning?? Oh yeah, Alonso apparently got his first hit. Of course he did it when I wasn't watching so ya know, it doesn't count.

Record: 0-3

Friday, April 6, 2012

This Is Going to Be a Long Season Isn't It??

I was originally super excited for the game cause Luebke was the starter, that feeling quickly diminished. Now, I want to rape Cory as much as the next girl does but he was not having it tonight which means I was not having it tonight. Both of those had me feeling the need to try something different by "live blogging" the game. I don't think I'm going to do a post like this ever again because I find it quite annoying. So lets just get to it and get it over with.

Top of the first: Cory looked great against the first batter, gave up a single to the next then about gave me a heart attack when Kemp crushed the ball to right field again tonight. Thank God for the marine layer or else that ball may have been a 2 run HR. Rivera singles, Ethier causes trouble as usual and the game is 2-0 Dodgers...
Bottom of the first: Padres down in order. Fabulous.

Top of the second: Dodgers down in order. Now that's the Cory I expect to see.
Bottom of the second: Guzman doubles to center and makes Kemp look silly, I approve. Alonso gets out and once again causes me to question the trade. Side note, have I mentioned how much I hate that FSSD has given Mark Grant a telestrator?? It's annoying. It's like buying a kid a toy that makes noise and within two seconds of giving it to the kid you already want to take the batteries out and throw it across the room. Anyway, Hundley walks. Awesome, we've got something going here!! Two on, one out, Hudson at the plate... Hudson hits into a double play. Why do we still have him?? And when are we giving Parrino a chance to start??

Top of the third: Gordon grounds out. Ellis gets lucky and ends up with a double since the ballgirl didn't grab the stool when she got out of the way and Hudson had trouble getting the ball out. Kemp singles, Ellis to third. Alonso with an error and the run comes around to score. Cory fails at a pick off attempt, Kemp to third on the error. Rivera up to bat, Bartlett fails at life at SS and Kemp comes in to score. Cory strikes out Ethier and JHJ, well there's something positive. Dodgers up 4-0.
Bottom of the third: Padres down in order... again.

Top of the fourth: Venable with a nice catch to deny Uribe to start what is a one, two, three inning.
Bottom of the fourth: Venable with a double to start the Padres half of the inning. Chase strikes out, go figure. Guzman grounds out and now it's up to Alonso to bring in Will... and he grounds out.

Top of the Fifth: Gordon singles and I'm beginning to hate this kid. Something has gotten into Hundley and Gordon is caught stealing. Ellis flies out to Cam. Kemp keeps doing what he does, it's annoying. Kemp steals second to annoy me even more. Rivera walks and Ethier with a triple. Dodgers now up 6-0 and I'm yelling "MOTHERFUCKER" at my television. Peace Cory, way to show us why we gave you that extension. Owings replaces Cory and walks JHJ then gets Uribe to pop out to second.
Bottom of the fifth: Padres down in order yet again and I'm beginning to question why I love this team as much as I do. It's like an abusive relationship. You give them all you've got and they continuously hurt you yet you return night after night giving them every ounce of love you have.

Top of the sixth: Dodgers down in order for the third time in the game. Does this mean we are going to stop the bleeding?!
Bottom of the sixth: Padres down in order again and have clearly left their ability to hit back in Peoria. Maybe someone should go back and get it for them.

Top of the seventh: Bartlett with a nice throw to get the first out. Kemp sends a comebacker to Owings, two outs. Holy shit, Hudson actually made a decent play to get the final out.
Bottom of the seventh: Headley strikes out again and I am officially numb to his at bats, not sure what took so long for that to happen though. Guzman grounds out to third. Alonso once again disappoints me.

Top of the Eighth: Owings' still in and just struck out Ethier. It looks like he has stopped the bleeding. Okay, I spoke too soon. Thatcher's warming up, preparing to rip the bandage off any minute now... JHJ singles. Uribe grounds into DP.
Bottom of the eighth: Hundley just short of the warning track for out number one. Hudson = out. Bartlett = out and the Padres are down in order for the millionth time this game. Nick and Jason teased us and now we have blue balls, thanks.

Top of the ninth: Cashner replaces Owings and walks the first batter. Billingsley sacrifices. Gordon strikes out. Ellis grounds to Chase, Chase makes a shitty throw and Alonso has to dig it out to get the out. I'd be impressed with Alonso but I could have made that play and I have in softball. Yes, I know softball and baseball are not the same but shoosh!! Let me have this. Cashner's talent makes me okay with the Rizzo trade, though I do miss those splits.
Bottom of the ninth: Billingsley going for the complete game shutout. Hermida grounds out to help Billingsley's cause. Cam with a single. Fingers and toes crossed to break up this shutout. Billingsley replaced by Wright. As much as I wanted him out of the game they might as well have left him in. Venable grounds into a fielders choice, Cam out at second. Now it's up to Chase to keep the game going and he disappoints yet again and the Padres lose, fan-fucking-tabulous.

Now here is what I have to say to Cory and the Padres:
Dear Cory,
Please get your shit together, we didn't extend you for nothing. Stop big leaguing it and play like you are still trying to earn that extension.
Sincerely, Me

If you don't get what I mean by "big leaguing it" I don't really know how to explain it to you besides the fact that to me, an extension after not even having two years of big league experience, has caused Cory to think very highly of himself like he is the Golden Boy of the team. I have to say that I have never met Cory and have no idea if that's what he's thinking but like I said, to me that's the vibe I'm getting. Now to the Padres...

Dear Padres,
Send someone back to Peoria to collect the talent that got left behind. Thanks. Also, can somebody please remind me why we traded Latos??
Sincerely, Me

So we lost another game to the dreaded Dodgers and we are already getting the feeling that this is going to be a long season but the good thing about baseball, we don't have to wait a week for our next chance to step up and collect a W.

Record: 0-2

Opening Day: A Tale of the Fourth Inning Meltdown

Opening Day has come and gone and for three innings yesterday I was almost okay with the fact that we got Volquez in the trade for Latos, ALMOST. Then the fourth inning came along and it made me realize just how much I am going to miss having Mat on the team. Yes, it was one start, hell it was one inning and yes, we still have the rest of the season to go but that one bad inning broke me. My excitement for the start of the season, which caused me to 1) be up before noon on spring break and 2) sit on the couch for about seven hours watching the Reds Marlins, Indians Blue Jays and our game, diminished within that fourth inning and I found it hard to watch the rest of the game. The funny thing is if you were to look at the scoreboard and see two runs being put up you wouldn't think that Volquez really had that bad of an inning. Sure he might have been getting squeezed at times but that really seemed to screw with him.

He started the game off promising by not giving up a hit to the first eight batters he faced, then Kershaw got a hit and I knew it was going to be downhill from there. I have a serious issue when you, and by you I mean pitchers on my team(s) or any pitcher I like, give up a hit to another pitcher. I guess it's because when I think of pitchers I never expect them to be able to get a hit... unless they are beastly like CC Sabathia, so when you give up a hit to a pitcher I am all kinds of ashamed and embarrassed for you. Luckily Kershaw's hit was in the third and didn't contribute to the fourth inning meltdown.

The fourth inning meltdown: 
First batter grounds out. Sweet, one down, two to go. Second batter singles. Fine, it was Kemp, I expected that. Ethier's up and here's where the trouble begins. Wild pitch moves Kemp to second. Seriously?! Ethier walks. Fabulous. Next batter singles to load the bases. Umm, I'm not ok with this. Bases loaded, Loney is walked to bring in Kemp. You seriously just walked in a run?! Something else happened, what was it another wild pitch?? I don't remember all I know is Ethier attempted to score and we caught a HUGE break when he got called out. Okay we just caught a break. Maybe Volquez will get out of his head now... I was wrong. Next two batters walked, second one was cause for another run to score. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! This is ridiculous!! Why the hell did we trade Mat?! Finally the next batter gets out and ends the inning but it's too late and I'm thoroughly annoyed.

Maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed if it wasn't Opening Day, wasn't against the Dodgers and wasn't on the MLB Network for everyone to see but it was and I was. As if Volquez didn't make me miss Mat enough, we had Alonso go 0 for 4 yesterday adding to my still existing hatred of the trade. I'm not even going to get started on the 3 errors we had in 5 1/3 innings thing cause I'm tired of dwelling on yesterdays game. On the bright side, Guzman doubled in a run and Cam crushed the ball for a 2 run HR. Side note, this whole playing Guzman in left field thing confuses the shit out of me so lets stop doing that, thanks. Cory takes the mound tonight and I'm hoping for my sanity and love of baseball that tonight goes A LOT better than yesterday.


Record: 0-1

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Opening Day, Cholas and Why I Won't Be Crying



It has been a long off-season but the time has finally come, Opening Day is upon us once again. Unfortunately this time my heart isn't full of excitement and joy. I am filled with sadness between being incredibly weirded out watching the exhibition game against the Royals the other night and not seeing Heath and Mat at Petco and the fact that unless a last minute miracle happens I will not be going to Opening Day. OK, not maybe not FILLED with sadness but enough to make me not be super excited about the opener tomorrow. In a poorly executed attempt to convince myself everything will be okay if I don't go to the opener, I tried to tell myself it is safer for me to watch the game from the comfort of my couch... or bed. Unless you follow me on Twitter this is the part where you wonder why it would be safer for me to not be in attendance. Well, the answer is simply this, we play the Dodgers. Now you're probably wondering how a game against the Dodgers isn't safe for me. Three words, East LA cholas. I may or may not be stereotyping by saying that but it's pretty much a scientific fact that if you draw on your eyebrows OR have them tattooed on and your makeup resembles something a clown would be wearing than you are most likely a chola.


I remember very clearly a Padres Dodgers game I went to a couple years ago with my mom. We had the displeasure of being surrounded by Dodgers fans, classy ones at that. Ya know the ones ripping up the give away BEAT LA beach towels and getting in fights, yeah those ones. I must admit some were quite clever and tore off the "B" or folded it back and drew a "S" in there so the towels read "EAST LA". This was most likely with a borrowed eyebrow Sharpie from their girlfriend or sister. Anyways, to make it worse this was when Manny was with them and had just gotten off his suspension so every Dodgers fan was all up on his nuts, or what's left of them, and he had just crushed the ball. This fairly large chola next to me was screaming like crazy directly in my ear as this happened. Me, being short tempered and all had a huge problem with this. Not only was this hooker hurting my eyes and ears but my beloved Padres were losing!! Like typical Dodgers fans, the stadium started clearing up shortly after and luckily for me I got my "revenge" at this time. Now, I can't remember who it was but if I had to guess it was probably Adrian and it was probably a homerun. The only thing that matters is one of the Padres did something amazing to give us the lead right as the chola was walking in front of me. Naturally I started screaming my head off, directly in her ear... don't walk in front of me when my boys are up and have the chance to tie and or take the lead if you value your hearing, it's that simple. I am fairly confident I got the look of death for doing that and if the rest of her family wasn't trying to get out of the stands behind her I am convinced she would have tried to start something with me.


The fact of the matter is I'm a tiny girl with a very big and loud mouth, add that to the fact that it's the first game of the season and a rival game at that and well that's just asking for trouble. Usually my loud mouth gets me a few laughs since I typically end up sitting by a random guy and they don't expect someone of my size to say the shit that comes out of my mouth but I guarantee you that every East LA chola that will be in attendance, lets face it most of the seats were probably purchased by Dodgers fans as per usual, is larger than me and can easily beat the shit out of me. As if their look alone wasn't enough to scare the shit out of me, the fact that they could easily beat me up is yet another reason why I will not be crying if I don't make it to the game.