I was about to apologize for not making a post after yesterday's game then I realized, why should I apologize?? All the post would have been is me saying how much I hate Volquez and how many times I yelled at him for bouncing balls and walking players. If you really want to know it went a little something like this, "STOP FUCKING BOUNCING THE BALL!! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING COMPLICATED!!" or "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! STOP WALKING PEOPLE!! God I HATE Volquez." No, I had not been drinking. Fuck was just my word of choice and flipping them off was my hand gesture of choice last night at the game. There was also yelling at Everth and Alonso as per usual and yes those did include various forms of "fuck". With the abundance of fucks thrown around during the game it was only natural that we went to Dick's Last Resort afterwards and that's all I'm going to say about that...
One batter into today's game and the D-Bags announcers proclaimed "So the Padres won't throw a no hitter" Really?! Fuck you too. As if I'm not in a bad enough mood already, I have to hear announcers "joke" about something that the Padres have been failing at since 1969. In the second inning the D-Backs scored first with a stupid home run that bounced over instead of back in play, not sure that would have really mattered though. In the bottom of the fifth Logan tripled because Parra did what you are taught not to do, go in on the ball. He went in, the ball went over, Logan ended up on third and I laughed. Good job, Parra, good job. The Padres had a failed suicide squeeze... so much for having a runner on third with one out. Good thing I'm not at today's game. There's no telling how many little kids would have learned some choice words from me... because I didn't teach enough kids any last night night.
Dear Padres, You had Roberts picked off and you still fucked up?! OH MY FUCKING GOD. STOP PLAYING LIKE THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME EVER!! That error lead to a run being scored because Deno's throw was offline and this day just keeps getting worse and worse for me AND I haven't even mentioned that Parrino got placed on the DL. The D-Bags add two more with a two run shot to center putting them up 4-0. The announcers are killing me today, "These Padres fans are all over their hometown heroes" Umm last I checked Tony Gwynn wasn't playing in this game, dumbass. Six innings into the game and we finally find out why Will got taken out, a strained oblique. In other words he pulled a muscle in his stomach area. Parra hit a two run shot as well during the seventh and a bitter Padres fan threw the ball back. Personally, I would have kept the ball and just yelled FUCK YOU and flipped Parra off. It only took 6 runs and 6.1 innings before Black realized, hey lets pull Stults. Maybe, just maybe, Black should have taken a cue from the fans and pulled Stults when everyone was booing him. But I guess that's using your head too much. Welp, the Padres got shut out, losing 6-0 to lose the series.
Meanwhile, I have come up with a genius idea. The Padres need to load the team with hot guys that way when they play like shit people like Colleen and myself, who actually know baseball, wouldn't complain as much. Obviously by people I mean chicks because the guys aren't going to care what the players look like as long as there is and abundance of beer. Speaking of which, maybe the Padres should do some sort of deal where every time the Padres play like shit they lower the price of beer. Sure they might, I mean will lose money on beer sales but get that shit going and more people will buy tickets which might just make up for the lack of beer sales AND it might cause the stadium to be sold out. Based off the fans I know, Padres fans love their beer so this would be a great idea... until they ran out of beer. Just don't blame me when that happens, I'm just the one that comes up with the ideas, it's the Padres job to figure out all the intricate details. I want to make it clear that this is just a genius thought I had and that this is no way an actual thing, though it probably should be.
Record: 18-37
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
At Least We Have the San Diego Chicken...
If you were living under a rock and this is the first thing you found, I'm sorry. At least it means that you don't know that Johan Santana threw the first no hitter in Mets history, officially making the Padres the lamest/unluckiest team in all of baseball. We now are the only team in all of the land to not throw a no hitter. If we haven't thrown a no hitter than that means we most definitely haven't thrown a perfect game either and we all know about my theory on the cycle being nothing more than a myth. I suppose I should consider perfect games and no hitters myths as well. Not only have we never done any of those but we have also never won a World Series. So Cubs fans, shut the fuck up and quit your bitching that it's been 100+ years since you've done it, at least you've done it.
Two innings into the game and the chance for a no hitter/perfect game was over before I even had the chance to wish for either. By the third inning the D-Bags, I mean D-Backs, took a 1-0 lead. My boy Alexi tripled in the third, which was quite exciting to watch and even more exciting when he came around to score, tying the game at 1. Yay, Team Fun Size. Things lost excitement until the top of the eighth when Cashner nearly drilled Young. Needless to say Young was not thrilled with it and once he got to first, let his opinion be known so much so that Alonso had to hold him back and the benches cleared. There was no brawl and I was disappointed but you knew Young was going to get his 'revenge' by stealing second. He tried and failed... SUCKA!! To channel Kenny Powers, You're fucking out!!
Team Fun Size bunted for a base hit to start the momentum in the Padres half of the eighth after Everth got out... again. Guzman came in to pinch hit and crushed a 2 run shot to put the Padres up 3-1 followed promptly by a Deno single. Cam got in on the hit parade and tripled in Deno making it a 4-1 game and probably the most excited I've been to watch a game in a long time. Alonso walked followed by a Quentin single to make it 5-1 Padres with one out in the bottom of the eighth. The Padres pinch ran for Quentin which is baffling considering Alonso was on second. How about if you're going to pinch run for someone you make sure you don't have someone slow for them to run behind, just a thought. Chase was walked to load the bases and Nick singled in two runs because Upton is having issues in right and I can't stop laughing. Okay, they didn't give him a single, they gave Upton an error but I don't care, Nick finally got a damn hit. Everyone got a hit in that inning except Everth and you wonder why I don't like him. As much as I love all this scoring, I would like for some of them to be saved for tomorrows game. Padres win 7-1 and I'd like to personally thank Chris Young for being a douche bag and setting a fire under the Padres asses.
Record: 18-35
Two innings into the game and the chance for a no hitter/perfect game was over before I even had the chance to wish for either. By the third inning the D-Bags, I mean D-Backs, took a 1-0 lead. My boy Alexi tripled in the third, which was quite exciting to watch and even more exciting when he came around to score, tying the game at 1. Yay, Team Fun Size. Things lost excitement until the top of the eighth when Cashner nearly drilled Young. Needless to say Young was not thrilled with it and once he got to first, let his opinion be known so much so that Alonso had to hold him back and the benches cleared. There was no brawl and I was disappointed but you knew Young was going to get his 'revenge' by stealing second. He tried and failed... SUCKA!! To channel Kenny Powers, You're fucking out!!
Team Fun Size bunted for a base hit to start the momentum in the Padres half of the eighth after Everth got out... again. Guzman came in to pinch hit and crushed a 2 run shot to put the Padres up 3-1 followed promptly by a Deno single. Cam got in on the hit parade and tripled in Deno making it a 4-1 game and probably the most excited I've been to watch a game in a long time. Alonso walked followed by a Quentin single to make it 5-1 Padres with one out in the bottom of the eighth. The Padres pinch ran for Quentin which is baffling considering Alonso was on second. How about if you're going to pinch run for someone you make sure you don't have someone slow for them to run behind, just a thought. Chase was walked to load the bases and Nick singled in two runs because Upton is having issues in right and I can't stop laughing. Okay, they didn't give him a single, they gave Upton an error but I don't care, Nick finally got a damn hit. Everyone got a hit in that inning except Everth and you wonder why I don't like him. As much as I love all this scoring, I would like for some of them to be saved for tomorrows game. Padres win 7-1 and I'd like to personally thank Chris Young for being a douche bag and setting a fire under the Padres asses.
Record: 18-35
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Yasmani Called Up and the Side Effects Are Unknown
Word has it that Yasmani Grandal got called up. In light of the news I tweeted the following...
And that tweet lead to me and Scott turning our catchers into various forms of birth control as seen here...
As with any birth control pill Yaz may cause the following side effects; breast tenderness, bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods, nausea, stomach cramps or bloating, vomiting and weight gain. Hopefully Yas doesn't come with the same side effects but the side effects of this move are still unknown and may take awhile to develop. Consult your elder Padres fans if unwanted side effects do appear. They may be able to help you cope with them but not fully eliminate them.
And this is how I manage to make a post on an off-day when I hadn't planned on making one to begin with. Other than the news of him being called up I have no idea the moves being made in order to make it happen. Unfortunately for him, he is forever going to be associated with birth control to me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I'd Like to Welcome You to the Carlos Quentin Show
Dear Padres,
You aren't supposed to be slump busters, you're supposed to be Cub Busters because my shirt that's older than I am says so.
Sincerely,
An annoyed, that you got swept by the Cubs, fan
The Padres take the 2-0 lead in the second thanks to a Deno two run home run and in true Chicago fashion the Cubs fan threw the ball back, well not THE ball back but A ball back. He threw it with all his might and it was quite hilarious. He literally put all his weight behind it and it was very, very comical to say the least. During the bottom of the second the Cubs continued to have their "anything you can do I can do better" mentality as they tied the game. Quentin wasn't having that as he also hit a two run home run to give the Padres back the lead. Unfortunately Quentin couldn't cut the ball off in the fourth and the Cubs got one of those runs back to make it a 4-3 ballgame. Once again Quentin hits a two run shot and this game has become the Carlos Quentin show. He is making the Cubs pitcher look like a little league pitcher... so this is what excitement feels like.
By the fifth inning Bass looked like he was donezo which became very apparent when he walked in a run. With the bases loaded and two outs Black calls on Mikolas, my lizard man, to get out of the inning without causing anymore damage. Unfortunately he walked in a run as well and our lead was cut to a one run lead. Now the hope of getting out of this inning rests on Hinshaw's shoulders. Cashner came in for the bottom of the eighth and gave up a hit, a walk and another hit to tie the game. Clearly, he doesn't like that Steph is gone. Alonso with his stupid lack of speed hit into a double play in the ninth which was promptly followed by a Quentin double. Thanks for fucking up the game Alonso, we could have had the lead back and I could have gone on to tan soon but no you hate me for hating you, it's obvious. Thayer gave up a two run walk off homer run and the Cubs win 8-6. I'm just glad the game didn't go into extras.
I fear with all these home runs the Padres have been hitting this series that it is tricking them into thinking they are a home run hitting team and that they will be trying too hard to do so when they come back to Petco this weekend.
Record: 17-35
Sincerely,
An annoyed, that you got swept by the Cubs, fan
The Padres take the 2-0 lead in the second thanks to a Deno two run home run and in true Chicago fashion the Cubs fan threw the ball back, well not THE ball back but A ball back. He threw it with all his might and it was quite hilarious. He literally put all his weight behind it and it was very, very comical to say the least. During the bottom of the second the Cubs continued to have their "anything you can do I can do better" mentality as they tied the game. Quentin wasn't having that as he also hit a two run home run to give the Padres back the lead. Unfortunately Quentin couldn't cut the ball off in the fourth and the Cubs got one of those runs back to make it a 4-3 ballgame. Once again Quentin hits a two run shot and this game has become the Carlos Quentin show. He is making the Cubs pitcher look like a little league pitcher... so this is what excitement feels like.
By the fifth inning Bass looked like he was donezo which became very apparent when he walked in a run. With the bases loaded and two outs Black calls on Mikolas, my lizard man, to get out of the inning without causing anymore damage. Unfortunately he walked in a run as well and our lead was cut to a one run lead. Now the hope of getting out of this inning rests on Hinshaw's shoulders. Cashner came in for the bottom of the eighth and gave up a hit, a walk and another hit to tie the game. Clearly, he doesn't like that Steph is gone. Alonso with his stupid lack of speed hit into a double play in the ninth which was promptly followed by a Quentin double. Thanks for fucking up the game Alonso, we could have had the lead back and I could have gone on to tan soon but no you hate me for hating you, it's obvious. Thayer gave up a two run walk off homer run and the Cubs win 8-6. I'm just glad the game didn't go into extras.
I fear with all these home runs the Padres have been hitting this series that it is tricking them into thinking they are a home run hitting team and that they will be trying too hard to do so when they come back to Petco this weekend.
Record: 17-35
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Is Your Team Slumping?? Just Send In the Padres
We know going into yesterday's game the Cubs were in the midst of a 12 game losing streak, one of which we broke for them. Obviously if you're in the middle of a ridiculously long streak like that, you need to play us and we will get you back on track. If only there was a team to do that for us.
I was beginning to think there wasn't going to be anything for me to write about, then Quentin hit his first home run of the season to give the Padres the 1-0 lead in the fifth. Yeah, it took that long before anyone scored. See why I didn't think I was going to have anything to write about?? Apparently the Cubs have this 'anything you can do I can do better' attitude going on because in their half of the fifth they decided it was time to score too and not only did they score but they took the lead, fucktards. Stults pulled an Alonso in the sixth with the whole I'm just gonna run and assume the ball isn't going to be caught then get doubled up thing to end the inning. Have I mentioned how much I hate Soriano?? That hatred grows tremendously every time he hits a home run against us like he did in the bottom of the sixth to put them up 3-1. Baker singled in Quentin to make this game last longer than I'm wanting it to. Stults got pulled during an at bat in the seventh and Brach went on to finish the at bat while Baker let Stults base runner come around to score on a passed ball. I feel like this inning was an odd one and that wasn't even putting into consideration the balk on Stults. Will tripled in my boy Parrino in the eighth but of course he gets the damn triple when he doesn't need it for a possible cycle. Can we credit the triple to Quentin so that he can get the cycle?? No?? Damn. Cubs scored another run in the bottom of the eighth and would go on to win 5-3.
Record: 17-34
I was beginning to think there wasn't going to be anything for me to write about, then Quentin hit his first home run of the season to give the Padres the 1-0 lead in the fifth. Yeah, it took that long before anyone scored. See why I didn't think I was going to have anything to write about?? Apparently the Cubs have this 'anything you can do I can do better' attitude going on because in their half of the fifth they decided it was time to score too and not only did they score but they took the lead, fucktards. Stults pulled an Alonso in the sixth with the whole I'm just gonna run and assume the ball isn't going to be caught then get doubled up thing to end the inning. Have I mentioned how much I hate Soriano?? That hatred grows tremendously every time he hits a home run against us like he did in the bottom of the sixth to put them up 3-1. Baker singled in Quentin to make this game last longer than I'm wanting it to. Stults got pulled during an at bat in the seventh and Brach went on to finish the at bat while Baker let Stults base runner come around to score on a passed ball. I feel like this inning was an odd one and that wasn't even putting into consideration the balk on Stults. Will tripled in my boy Parrino in the eighth but of course he gets the damn triple when he doesn't need it for a possible cycle. Can we credit the triple to Quentin so that he can get the cycle?? No?? Damn. Cubs scored another run in the bottom of the eighth and would go on to win 5-3.
Record: 17-34
Monday, May 28, 2012
I Don't Enjoy When Things Make Me Feel Bipolar
In the first inning Quentin doubled in Deno then took third on an error trying to get Deno out at home. Nice way to start your season. In the matter of two batters the Padres lead is gone. Seriously?! You do realize we are playing the Cubs right?? A sacrifice scores another run for the Cubs to make it 2-1 and I'm finding this to be serious bullshit. The Cubbies hit a solo shot in the second putting them up 3-1 now but it's okay because Will hit a HR in the top of the third to give us a run back and making me feel slightly better about the possibility of not being completely embarrassed by the Cubs. In true Wrigley Field fashion the ball was thrown back onto the field and now I need to watch Rookie of the Year.
Chase tied up the game in the fourth with a solo shot of his own and now all hope is restored that we will win this game. Everth is still doing his best to impress me by joining Chase with a solo shot in this inning, putting us up 4-3. Soriano doubled in a run to tie the game and if it wasn't apparent before that this game is going to be a weird one, it is now. Ian Stewart regained the lead for the Cubs with a two run shot and Suppan was not happy with it... if only he was mic'd up. Chase is loving playing in Wrigley today because he just did work with a two run shot to tie the game up once again in the top of the fifth. Parrino comes around to score on an RBI single/obstruction double?? by Will giving the Padres the 7-6 lead in the top of the sixth. Just like that Hinshaw gives up a two run shot to Soriano for his second of the game and the fifth lead change of the game. This is ridiculous and I do not enjoy feeling bipolar. It's bad enough that Skype makes me feel this way but to have something I love this much do it, it's just plain rude.
During the seventh there was a bird straight chilling on the field and I was just waiting for it to meet a baseball. Part of me really wanted to see it happen just because I've never personally seen a bird explode from being hit by a baseball but part of me didn't want to because the thing is cute. Luke gave up a two run HR to give the Cubs a 10-7 lead... knock it off Padres pitchers. Stewart knocked in another run for the Cubs and I can't seriously believe we are losing to a team that is worse than we are. Correction, I can't believe we lost to a team worse than we are. Okay, maybe I can. I'm pretty sure we have done more bizarre things. Padres lose 11-7 and I'm embarrassed. We do not deserve to be a major league team and have hit an all new low as far as I'm concerned.
Record: 17-33
Chase tied up the game in the fourth with a solo shot of his own and now all hope is restored that we will win this game. Everth is still doing his best to impress me by joining Chase with a solo shot in this inning, putting us up 4-3. Soriano doubled in a run to tie the game and if it wasn't apparent before that this game is going to be a weird one, it is now. Ian Stewart regained the lead for the Cubs with a two run shot and Suppan was not happy with it... if only he was mic'd up. Chase is loving playing in Wrigley today because he just did work with a two run shot to tie the game up once again in the top of the fifth. Parrino comes around to score on an RBI single/obstruction double?? by Will giving the Padres the 7-6 lead in the top of the sixth. Just like that Hinshaw gives up a two run shot to Soriano for his second of the game and the fifth lead change of the game. This is ridiculous and I do not enjoy feeling bipolar. It's bad enough that Skype makes me feel this way but to have something I love this much do it, it's just plain rude.
During the seventh there was a bird straight chilling on the field and I was just waiting for it to meet a baseball. Part of me really wanted to see it happen just because I've never personally seen a bird explode from being hit by a baseball but part of me didn't want to because the thing is cute. Luke gave up a two run HR to give the Cubs a 10-7 lead... knock it off Padres pitchers. Stewart knocked in another run for the Cubs and I can't seriously believe we are losing to a team that is worse than we are. Correction, I can't believe we lost to a team worse than we are. Okay, maybe I can. I'm pretty sure we have done more bizarre things. Padres lose 11-7 and I'm embarrassed. We do not deserve to be a major league team and have hit an all new low as far as I'm concerned.
Record: 17-33
Sunday, May 27, 2012
To Whom It May Concern
I decided to do something a little different tonight. Instead of giving a summary of the game I'm going to write love notes to some of the Padres and or people affiliated with the Padres, some of which may be related to today's game. Did I say love notes?? I mean tough love notes and you're annoying me notes.
Dear Alonso, do you not realize you're Adrian slow?? You can't stretch a single into a double so stop trying. Thanks.
Dear Leila, shut up. I don't turn the game on to listen to you. If you insist on being there can you wait until like the post game show where I have already turned the TV off?? Or if you really want you can do the pregame show where I have yet to turn the TV on. You are pointless and annoying as hell during the game. Same goes to you Sweeney. It's really not necessary to have in game interviews of fans or random "updates" that we most likely heard before the game even started.
Dear Mark Grant, your ulnar collateral ligament doesn't extend all the way to your wrist. It connects your humerus to your ulna. Last time I checked, that specific area isn't anywhere near your wrist.
See, no wrist around.
Dear Nick, did you forget how to catch?? I mean that is your job title soooooo what was up with that whole passed ball to score a run in the fifth thing??
Dear Padres, can we figure out how to win by the time you come home again?? I mean our next series is against the Cubs and they are worse than us so we should be able to win, right??
Record: 17-32
Dear Alonso, do you not realize you're Adrian slow?? You can't stretch a single into a double so stop trying. Thanks.
Dear Leila, shut up. I don't turn the game on to listen to you. If you insist on being there can you wait until like the post game show where I have already turned the TV off?? Or if you really want you can do the pregame show where I have yet to turn the TV on. You are pointless and annoying as hell during the game. Same goes to you Sweeney. It's really not necessary to have in game interviews of fans or random "updates" that we most likely heard before the game even started.
Dear Mark Grant, your ulnar collateral ligament doesn't extend all the way to your wrist. It connects your humerus to your ulna. Last time I checked, that specific area isn't anywhere near your wrist.
See, no wrist around.
 |
| The top two show the UCL. In the bottom two, the UCL is missing |
Dear Padres, can we figure out how to win by the time you come home again?? I mean our next series is against the Cubs and they are worse than us so we should be able to win, right??
Record: 17-32
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