Monday, July 30, 2012

Surprise!!

Surprise, bitches!! As I was house sitting I remembered seeing FSOH while scrolling through the menu and thought hmm let's see if this will give me the game. It didn't BUT it searched for another station that had the game and I got it!! I missed the first two innings and apparently there was a lot of runs being scored and players getting hurt. However, I turned the game on just in time to see the Reds catcher Mesoraco go apeshit arguing balls and strikes to get himself tossed and the Padres add on 4 more runs to make it 9-3. I missed the Reds scoring one more in the third but it's okay, we are kicking their ass!! I missed yet another Padres run because I had to take the dog out, damn dog!! Top of the fifth and Team Fun Size is up for the fourth time?! I love it!! Lets just say, I'm not going to be mad if we overwork the Reds pen. Not mad at all. The Reds score another run in the bottom of the fifth to make it 10-5. Stop it, Reds. Quentin makes it an 11-5 ballgame with a solo home run in the top of the eighth off one of my Reds creepers, me gusta mucho. Gracias Arredondo. Padres win 11-5 in Cincy and I'm beyond thrilled.

Record: 44-60

Saturday, July 28, 2012

No Me Gusta Miami

While everyone is on their Olympic high, I'm watching baseball. Sorry Olympics, baseball is more important. If you want me to watch for anything other than gymnastics maybe you should put it back in. I'm appalled that "sports" like handball, trampoline and ping pong are considered Olympic sports yet baseball, which is undeniably a sport isn't. What's next, pole dancing?? Get your shit together IOC.

The Marlins take the lead to start the game in the first and I'm not okay with this. My boy Reyes hits a two run home run to put the lead up to 3 now. I'm thinking maybe I should have stuck to listening to music and dancing around/doing handstands in my room instead of watching this game. Oh, if you haven't figured out why I said Reyes is my boy, stop and think what position he plays. Problem solved. The Padres finally score in the sixth off an Alonso double and now have runners on second and third with one out. Lets get the lead here and not make the game go on any longer than it needs too. Blah the Marlins hit another home run and now it's 4-1 not us. Grandal drives in Quentin on an out and the Padres cut the lead in half, yay. This game got boring way before we started scoring and it's a miracle I didn't fall asleep but that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. However, the Padres losing does. They lost 4-2 and I most likely won't get to watch tomorrow's game until later assuming MLB.tv will let me watch it later, same with Monday's game and maybe Tuesdays game. Don't miss me too much, k??

Record: 43-59

Friday, July 27, 2012

Bienvenido a Miami, los Padres

Welcome to Miami, Bienvenido a Miami. I told you I wouldn't hesitate to use the Will Smith song... Can someone please tell the Marlins that they wasted a shit ton of money on one of the ugliest stadiums I think I have ever seen?? Do they not realize that with the money the spent on that atrocious statue thing whatever the hell it is, they could have used it to get some better players so they wouldn't be so shitty?? Clearly not. Like seriously, this stadium looks like what I imagine Barbie would have for Baseball Ken.

 Four innings into this game and I have yet to be anything but disgusted. If my eyes didn't hurt already, all these bright ass colors would be doing the job. Sometime during Leila's failed interview attempt of Grandal's mom, the Marlins scored and have a runner on third with no outs. I felt so bad for Grandal's mom, it seemed pretty clear that she would have been more comfortable speaking Spanish and you know, actually being able to hear the questions being asked. That might have helped a little too. Either way I wish they would have at least had a translator ready. The Marlins scored again this inning and again have a runner on third, this time with two outs. Awesome, in the fifth the Marlins have the bases loaded with Carlos Lee up. That scares me because I know that assdick can hit but luckily he ended the inning.

In the sixth the Padres finally looked like something was going to happen with runners at the corner and no outs. Before a run can come around the score the Padres load the based and Big Z walks in a run making it 2-1 Marlins. The Padres still have the bases loaded and no outs, I think I might like this inning. Grandal tripled in the second, third and fourth run to give the Padres a 4-2 lead. Alonso knocks in Grandal to make it 5-2 with no outs until Cam came up, whatever. The Padres once again load the bases this inning with two outs, unfortunately Guzman struck out. It's ok, we had eleven men come to the plate. Alonso drove in another run in the seventh to make it 6-2 Padres with runners at first and second with one out. Aaaand whoever is pitching for the Marlins right now is hot. Somehow I missed a run being scored because the Padres are leading 7-2 in the eighth. Not sure how I missed a run but okay. The Padres go on to win 7-2... bienvenido a Miami, los Padres.

Record: 43-58

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Finally I Get To Say This, Suck It SF

Weekday day baseball always throws off my day but at least Chase got to Licksumcum first with a solo shot to give the Padres their first lead of the series. That lead didn't last long as the fuckbags tied it in their half of the first. Licksumcum loaded the bases in the fourth with one out. Unfortunately Marquis was up next to record the second out and now Venable has to do what he can to break the tie BUT he has struck out swinging both times he's been up so far. Fabulous. THANK GOD Venable hit a two run double and we now lead 3-1. Holy shit, I didn't expect that to happen and had a genuine moment of excitement when it did. I miss those genuine moments. The Padres lead 5-1 in the fifth thanks to a Jesus two run home run off Licksumcum. This makes me happy to see that he is still pitching as bad as he has been all season. Jesus hits yet another home run to make it 6-1 in the eighth. Umm why haven't we been playing him more?? A two base error along with other shit caused the dumbfucks to score and now it's 6-2 in the eighth with no outs. Finally an out is recorded and Luke comes in to replace Marquis and now it's 6-3 Padres and I'm calling for Street to get a four out save. I obviously need to be working in baseball because I think something and it happens. I called for a Street four out save and they put him in. I win... again. And the Padres win 6-3 and hopefully they don't let tomorrows off day ruin the momentum that got started today. On to MIA and no, I am not above using Will Smith's Welcome to Miami as a title for a post or two. I might even add the video if I'm feeling sassy.

Record: 42-58

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Padres Fans Are Delusional

It's the second game of the series and we got our asses kicked last night and most likely will again tonight. Translation, that hope that the Padres were getting better was all an illusion. If  you look at the teams we played while we were "better" they were all shitty teams, Astros, Rockies and D-Backs. We magically started sucking again when we faced a first place team, the Reds... At least I think they were in first when we faced them, if not they were like a game behind. Following the Reds we faced the slumping Dodgers, the shitty Astros and shitty Rockies again. Facing those teams made us magically better again. Hmm, I wonder why?? Now we are facing another first place team and our ability to win or play like a good team has magically disappeared. I don't believe that this is a coincidence and I agree with the people yesterday that were saying the Padres suck after only one game against the Giants. I just showed you in the most unscientific way possible that we do suck, just not against completely shitty teams. Yes, we have gotten better since the beginning of the season but to think we can win against first place teams is hilarious. Lets just be glad we aren't getting swept by teams like the Cubs again.

The Padres already trail by two going into the second inning. I want to have hope that we will make a comeback like we had against the shitty teams but I'm not crazy enough to believe it will happen against a first place team. As I'm writing this the Padres cut the lead in half and are trying to prove me wrong. I don't like to be proved wrong but when it comes to the Padres winning abilities, I'll allow it. Volquez did some work of his own and tied the game at two with a bloop single to score Guzman. I'm telling you, these guys have something against me and LOVE to try and prove me wrong. Can I have the Reds back?? At least they like me and don't try to prove me wrong all the time.

To end the third the Giants make a decent double play that caused Sandoval to do the splits in order to get the out at first. And I don't mean half ass splits, I mean full on splits. The boy was walking off the field like he ripped his boy parts off. I will be shocked if he stays in the game. Just like I thought, Sandoval doesn't return to the game, he clearly pulled off his boy parts but they won't tell us that, they will mask it with a hamstring pull. Yep, totally called that. They just announced he pulled his left hamstring. I win. I'm going to make a great athletic trainer because "boy parts" is totally a medical term.

The Padres could have had a nice inning to break the tie in the eighth but due to our inability to judge whether or not a ball will be caught plus a nice diving catch by Pagan, we blew it. I'm sick and tired of their inability to judge whether or not the ball is catchable. Pretty sure Chrome is telling me I just made up a word there. I'm not talking specifically about the play tonight because as LeftCoastBias said on twitter "That ball never appeared to be catchable...until it was. Hardly a mental lapse by Chase IMO." For once that seemed to be the case but like I said, more often than not it's an inability to judge whether or not the ball is catchable. The Padres lose 3-2 and now people are going to blame it on bad luck or claim that it's only two games... refer to the first paragraph of this post.

Record: 41-58

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fuck SF

I'm not apologizing for not making a post yesterday to tell you we took the series or that we gave Quentin an extension because I was slightly busy freaking out about something. I'm going to tell you consider yourselves lucky for getting one out of me tonight. In the words of Kanye West "and my eyes more red than the devil is".  Within four batters, the fuckers from Northern Cali take the lead. I refuse to acknowledge them by their team name tonight. Welp, not even an inning into the game and we already have someone warming up. Clayton walked in a run and now we are losing 3-0 because of some bullshit. By bullshit I mean something I didn't see and yeah. Kotsay deserves an Oscar or something for his amazeballs acting skills to sell that he actually caught the ball for the final out. It looked clear to me that he trapped that shit and I've been awake and in the sun too long today. Alright, scratch that. After the commercial break the umpires decided that he did trap it and now the Padres get to go back out and the douche lords are winning 4-0. Super weird.

Dear Dick, 
We didn't need a better angle. We all knew he trapped it except for the ump that made the initial call. Signed, 
We aren't idiots


Padres finally score in the fourth off a sac fly... at least we won't get shut out tonight. In the fifth Alexi slide head first into second and apparently jammed his thumb which of course sparked Mark Grant and his whole "I hate the head fist slide" thing. Because a pop up slide is so much safer than a head first slide. This is what I picture when I think pop up slide, cleat getting caught on or under the bag, the pop up and BOOM twisted ankle or worse. Now, I'm not an expert or anything but I feel like fucking up your ankle is a lot worse than your hand. Since I'm all weird and shit and like injuries you would think I'd be a fan of the pop up slide for the possibility of what I just said... and I am but that's only because a pop up slide is more aesthetically pleasing than a head first slide. Then again head first slides can be pleasing to watch.




Motherfucker Posey hits a three run shot to make it 7-1 assdicks. Why is Clayton still in this game?! I would have pulled him after the first inning, ya know when we already had someone warming up. UGH. Word has it that Alexi jammed his thumb on that head first slide... yeah, I totally called that injury. I'd tell Alexi to suck it up and play through it but I clearly remember not being able to walk normally after I jammed my toe in gymnastics. Awkward landing --> swollen and bright blue/purple toe --> WebMD --> Doctor's office --> X-rays --> second opinion --> jammed toe. So not fun. Give Alexi about a week and he will be good to go. Pretty sure it took me longer because my stubborn ass continued to tumble on it and not tell anyone I hurt it until the next day. The Padres lose 7-1 and I could have done without watching this game. 


Record: 41-57 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Twelve Innings and a Loss

I'm enjoying these Padres that have figured out what they are doing. The Padres started the scoring in the first with a Chase two run single. I'm not sure where these Padres have been hiding but I'm glad they have finally come out to play. After being disgusted by talks of a two foot long hot dog as well as seeing Mark Grant eat some of it, Guzman hits a solo shot to make it 3-0 Padres in the second. The Rockies finally scored in the fourth off a two run single. Hmm sounds familiar, lets just hope they don't hit a home run too during the next inning. Three straight singles cause three runs for the Rockies and I don't even have an explanation for this except, Kip Wells. Waaaaah, the Rockies now have the lead and the fourth inning STILL isn't over. And to think I was about to comment on how the Padres are winning with Wells pitching. 

Random ass side note: to the parents who brought the brand new baby to the game because you have first row seats, you are fucking idiots. Your husband took a ball to the gut which could have just as easily been your kids head and bye bye baby for you. There are reasons why God created babysitters and this is one of them. Pretty sure a baseball off the bat doesn't mix well with the soft spots on your kids head.Your parental rights should be revoked.

Oh sure, Black pulls Well AFTER the fifth run comes around to score. The Rockies have a 5-3 lead in the fifth. Gross. Guzman leads off the fifth with a triple, apparently he knows that he has to do work. Cabrera scored Guz on an RBI double and now we are only trailing by two, hooray. Deno scored Cabrera on a base hit then promptly gets thrown out at second because he was being greedy. So instead of having two runs on, one out with Chase up we now how one on, two outs with Chase up. Did Deno forget he's on the Padres and more often than not, it's not a good idea to be greedy?? In the eighth Quentin doubled and Cam pinch ran for him as per usual then Grandal singles in a run and we are tied at 6, me gusta.

Bonus baseball starts now... and no runs come around to score until the top of the twelfth. The Rockies win 8-6 and extra innings was fun while it lasted. Okay, not really because there was no scoring for us but whatever. Gross, twelve innings and a loss.

Record: 40-56

Friday, July 20, 2012

It's Official, We Have Figured Out How to Score Runs

So Quentin starts the game off with a solo shot in the second then Grandal followed that up with an RBI double to score Deno. The ball bounced off the Rockies catcher allowing Grandal to get to third, fat ass lucks out on an error, unfortunately he hit it where Grandal couldn't score. Grandal ended up scoring on an infield single that I feel should maybe be an error but whatevs. We have scored 3 and still haven't recorded an out. The Padres lead 3-0 in the second. Sweet deal, bro.

The Rockies manage to load the bases with one out and CarGo up to bat.. we also recorded an error to load those bases. MOTHERFUCKER, Marquis gave up a grand slam to CarGo. Bad Padres, bad, bad!! The Rockies now lead 4-3 in the third. Is this going to be one of those back and forth games or is this going to be the "Ha we scored everything in one inning and you're going to be bored the rest of the game" kind of game?? Chase and Quentin score on a Deno triple and it's looking like it's going to be the back and forth game. I'm thrilled that the Padres have figured out to score runs. However, I'm not thrilled they decided not to score many yesterday. Grandal is making me like him more and more as he hits a two run shot to make it 7-4 Padres.

The Rockies manage to load the bases with one out... wait, didn't I already say this?? I'm experiencing déjà vu?? Holy shit, I thought I was about to have to report that the Rockies hit another grand slam. Thankfully we are at Petco but the Rockies did score another run. Here's an idea to prevent more runs coming around, stop loading the bases. In the bottom of the eighth, Kotsay laid down a bunt and was safe, fucking hilarious. They promptly took him out and put Cam in to pinch run, lets do this. Cam stole second like expected, Alexi sacrificed him over and I don't remember who brought him around making it an 8-5 game. Chase hits his eleventh home run of the year and now we lead 9-5, clearly we think we are playing in Colorado. Dude, why the hell didn't your bats do this shit last night?! Whatevs, I'm over it and the Padres win 9-5 to make it a four game win streak.

Record: 40-55

One Hit Wonder or Blown No-No??

So we all know how I feel about Volquez and that I didn't want to ever see him pitch. Well, tonight marks the third start of his I have been in attendance for. Wouldn't you know it, that bastard went and collected himself a complete game shutout. One that just so happened to be a one hitter, or was it??

For once I'm not going to yell at the umpires for blowing a call or at any of the Padres for poor defense, in fact Logan had an amazing defensive play that definitely saved a hit. Lets just say he made sure no one ever tells him white men can't jump. Instead, I'm going to yell at the scorekeeper. Pretty sure when it comes to scoring you are supposed to base hits or errors on whether or not the fielder would have been able to make the out if the unfortunate circumstance happened. Yes, the ball got derailed and yes, Volquez dropped it in an attempt to get the runner but had he not dropped it, the runner would have been out and the Padres first no hitter would have belonged to my least favorite pitcher. This is where the scorekeeper should have done his job right. If a 24 year old girl, like myself, can tell you he deserved an error and I'm sitting on the other side of the stadium, you sure as hell better be able to identify the difference between a hit and an error. Chances are the scorekeeper is older than I am and therefore spent more time around baseball. Like really, bro, know your shit.

I will congratulate Volquez on his game because it was a pretty awesome game, though I don't remember much of it. However, this does not change my opinion of him at all. I still don't like him and probably never will so in a way I'm glad he didn't get the no hitter. I do appreciate that he decided to show up and pitch while I'm there for a change. The Padres won 1-0 in what had to be the most boring one hit* complete game shut out in history.

Record: 39-55

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Signs of a Zombie Apocalypse or Are the Astros Just That Bad

Apparently I should have had an epic post last night but I was not any kind of having it so I didn't write one. As Enberg was saying the lineup this afternoon, he apparently decided that we have a new player and that he was scratched already, Cameron Maybe. Obviously he meant Maybin but still, I'm half asleep and that was funny. What else my half asleep mind thought was funny "Alonso throws to short"... Alexi is playing short and is short. Yes, I need to go back to bed.

Four innings into the game and the Padres score first on a base loaded passed ball or wild pitch, wasn't paying close attention, to make it 1-0 with runners in scoring position with no outs. Still no outs and now the bases are loaded, this is looking like it may be a huge inning, then again, we are the Padres and we used up A LOT of runs last night. The Padres scored two more runs on a Deno double to make it 3-0 AND still don't have an out. Alonso doubles in two more runs and now we are leading 5-0. Dude, chill on the runs, I'd like to see some tomorrow night. Before the inning finally comes to an end Alonso stole third and I've decided that means there is a zombie apocalypse coming soon. There is no way in hell Alonso would be stealing if there wasn't one. 


Chase scores from first on a throwing error to make it 6-0 in the fifth. Definitely a zombie apocalypse coming. Clayton gives up a three run home run in the sixth to cut the lead in half which argues against my zombie apocalypse theory. Clayton decided he needed to fix his mistake and was just short of a home run but that's okay because Cabrera came around to score and now it's 7-3 Padres. Deno apparently was safe at home on an Alonso double but they were having technical difficulties so I missed it. Luckily, they had their issues worked out in time for me to see the replay, 20 million times. Next time I won't complain that I missed the initial play so maybe they will only show the replay 1 million times instead. Alonso made nice play at first and has been doing work with the bat today so maybe I was right about my zombie theory. Every time I have proof for my theory Clayton gives up a home run. STOP IT!! I don't like holes being poked into my theories. Black decided to pull Clayton and put in Vincent, Vincent walks a batter and immediately Street gets brought into the game and I once again worry for the breatheability of his balls. The Padres win 8-4 and Clayton doesn't get the complete game, what a bummer.

Record: 38-55

Monday, July 16, 2012

Dear Padres, Go Away

So I was watching the Reds game before the Padres game started and the second I turned the game on they were talking about Votto missing 3-4 weeks because he tore his meniscus in the Giants series at the end of June. That got me wondering why it took them this long to decide he needed surgery. Only the outer third of the meniscus is vascular, meaning it has a blood supply and can be surgically repaired. Maybe it's just me but if you, the trainer or doctor, know that it's a meniscus tear why would you allow him to wait to fix it and risk him doing something else to extend the tear into the avascular part?? Another thing I was wondering and have been for some time, why more players don't have a squattier stance. In my mind, a squattier stance means a minimized strike zone, a minimized strike zone means the pitcher HAS to make his pitches. Makes perfect sense to me but I'm sure there is an underlying reason that I wouldn't know from only playing softball for a semester.

I've decided tonight's game is going to be the battle of the fun sized. We have Alexi playing and the Astros have Altuve in. Altuve and the Astros strike first, bastards. Not even a full inning into the game and they, Mark and Dick, have already started in on the jockey jokes. Not funny, guys, not funny. This game has been incredibly boring, so much so that I decided to balance my laptop on my feet because even doing that was more entertaining than watching the game. During the seventh, the Padres managed to load the bases with one out and for some strange reason everyone on twitter, with the exception of myself, had hope that they would do something with that. People seriously underestimate just how shitty of a team we have. Don't let the recent success fool you, we are still a young, shitty team who just happened to figure out how to pull some wins out of their asses for long enough to get your hopes up. Padres lose 2-0 and I want them to go back on the road... at least they pull out wins there.

Record: 36-55

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I Like Being Able to Laugh at the Dodgers

"L.A. stands for late arriving" - Dick Enberg. That might be one of the best things I have heard him say, I love it. I enjoy seeing that double steal over and over and over again. Can we play this a minimum of 5 times per inning from now on when we play LA?? I mean we do play Posey breaking his ankle/leg a million times when we play the Giants and that didn't even happen in a game against us.

Tony Gwynn Jr. seems to always fuck us. In the first inning he managed to get a hit to tie up Logan then promptly stole second, like I knew he would. He then went on to score on an Ethier single. Dodgers up 1-0 with no outs with the fourth batter of the game up. The Padres should have had a double play but fucking Marquis didn't make it to first in time. Good news, they have runners and first and third which is perfect for getting a double play to end the inning. Even better news, they got the double play that I just called.

During the broadcast they started talking about the stealing of home again and that it has to be one of the most exciting plays in baseball because it doesn't happen very often. So I decided to think of my top 3 favorite things to see during a game. 1) Grand slam, there's no doubt that is the most exciting thing there is especially when the Padres do it because it is even more rare then. 2) Double steals, specifically double steals of home but any double steal will do. 3) Triple plays, unassisted are the best but like with double steals, I will take any kind of triple play... as long as it's not against the Padres, which follows for all three of these. I'd add in a no hitter and a perfect game but I think those are only exciting when it happens for your team and as we all know the Padres have neither of those.

Logan scored in the fourth on an error that should have been a double play and now the game is tied 1-1, I'll take it. The Dodgers scored somehow in the sixth but by this point I'm two seconds away from falling asleep so I could care less. I just want this game to end in the next hour so that I can do what I need to get done before the Reds Cards game tonight. The Dodgers make their fourth error of the game and the Padres bring two around to score on a bases loaded JHJ throwing error to make it 3-2 Padres and now I'm awake. Team fun size beat out JHJ's throw to first and another run comes around to score, 4-2 Padres and I can't stop laughing at Hairston. Chase extends the lead with a solo home run to make it 5-2 in the eighth. Apparently the Padres loaded the bases but I missed that because I was busy being fan jacked and trying not to melt. With that said, a run came around to score and it's now 6-2 Padres. Alexi scores on a hit by Alonso, that I didn't see by the way, to make it 7-2. I'm loving all this scoring but can the game just end already. I'm over it. Padres take the series against the Dodgers and I laugh, Ha ha ha ha ha.

Record: 36-54

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Padres Steal Home?! Un-fucking-believable

Yay, the Padres score early again because the Dodgers are not having it with the start time apparently. Pretty sure every play that didn't happen in this first inning would have been made if the game started at 7 like normal. Before Volquez took the mound they were talking about how he is the major league leader in walks, every single one of you who told me he is a good pitcher and all that shit need to shut the hell up. I know you are trying to convince me to like him but that's not going to happen even if he didn't walk so many damn people. Alexi and Quentin apparently didn't know about the whole outfielder takes charge thing because the Dodgers just scored on a catch that I probably could have made and my depth perception in the outfield is absolute shit. To make matters worse, they scored it a hit because you know the scorekeepers suck Ethier and Kemp's dicks. So the Padres manage to load the bases with no outs and Ethier up. GAME. OVER. The dude next to us at Sundays game would have been yelling at me for saying that. Ethier singles and a run comes around to make it 2-1. Not what I expected but still. Besides Volquez is about to walk in a run and before I can finish typing that, he did. That walk caused Enberg to say something along the lines of  "the verge of being ugly" ummmmm pretty sure it's been ugly since we JUST got an out five batters into the inning.

To start the fourth inning Quentin hit a solo shot to make it 3-2, yay. The Dodgers scored another run while I was getting dinner and now its 4-2... blaaaaaaaaaah. Chase ties the game with a two run shot in the 6th and my poor little Padres aren't laying over and dying just yet. MOTHERFUCKER, Ethier just hit a two run jack and now we are down 6-4, MOTHERFUCKER. I feel like the Dodgers are the big brothers that refuse to let the little brother be better than them so they always have to one up them. STOP IT!! Let the little brothers have some fun, asshole. Quentin drives in Alexi in the top of the eighth and I'm extremely shocked that the Padres STILL haven't given up and that we haven't been down more than 2 runs the entire game. Cabrera stole home... WHAT THE FUCK?! THEN Venable came around to score and now it's 7-6. WHAT THE FUCK?! That HAD to have been the most exciting thing the Padres have done all season and I didn't even make a sound. I had to sit there for a good second or two to even be able to acknowledge what just happened. Un-fucking-believable. 


Record: 35-54

Friday, July 13, 2012

Baseball's Back, Tell a Friend, Guess Who's Back, Guess Who's Back, Guess Who's Back, Guess Who's Back...

I was originally going to start the title with "Guess who's back, back again" then I realized I already used that so I just picked up from where the part of the song ended and if I had any kind of skill I would write this so you could sing it to Eminem's Without Me. It would be pretty awesome but unfortunately my skills stop at rapping along so you get stuck with a regular boring post. Sorry.

This is the first game back since the All-Star break and let me just say that I did not miss Leila AT ALL... or Padres baseball. I mean I missed the Padres, just not their way of playing. It was also very refreshing to turn the game on and hear Tony Gwynn announcing with Enberg. I absolutely love Tony and listening to him makes my heart happy. What made my heart even happier, not hearing Mark Grant. The Padres scored first against the Dodgers in the second inning by putting together some decent at bats but that's about all that has happened. I feel like I have missed at least half the game at this point because I needed to make dinner. I decide when I finish growing up, I'm putting a tv in my kitchen. I find it unacceptable to be missing part of the game because I need food... and I love my food.

Cam made an AMAZING diving catch in the fifth that scared the shit out of me when he didn't come up right away. I totally thought he fucked up his shoulder right there. That BETTER be a top play on SportsCenter later. Pretty sure Clayton almost died when a line drive went back to his head in the sixth, luckily he got his glove up in time. Unfortunately he didn't hold onto the ball and only got one out instead of a double play. Now, he gives up a two run home run and the Padres trail 2-1. Booooo. Clayton drilled Ethier and when Balsley came in for a talk it looked like Clayton was laughing at the fact that he just drilled Ethier. I now love him again if that is indeed what he was laughing/smiling about.

Either I watched too much baseball or this game was just extremely boring but the Padres lost 2-1 and I'm annoyed. Side note: this bullshit aerial view does not work with baseball, knock it off.

Record: 34-54

Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Baseball Bucket List

Since Bud Selig is a douche lord and decided that we didn't need baseball to start again until Friday I decided I'm going to start a Baseball Bucket List. I've been thinking about doing this for awhile but I never got around to writing anything down. It's all been stored in my memory and by all I mean the handful of things that I've been wanting to do for years. I know as I get older or as the players get younger, my goals will grow and change. Some will be just jokes that I may or may not actually be serious about deep down inside while others are completely serious. Some that are crossed off I may have never thought of before but still managed to do it anyway and some are shit that I've done without thinking it through. So here we go...


  • Go to a game at every major league stadium
  • Go to spring training 
  • Go to Cooperstown
  • Go to a full series
  • Go to every game in a homestand
  • Go to the All-Star game
  • Get creeped on by an All-Star
  • Go to a playoff game
  • Go to a World Series game
  • Watch BP from the field
  • Get a ball during BP
  • Catch a foul ball 
  • Tell an All-Star "I don't give a fuck who you are"
  • Straddle the balls at the Peoria Complex
  • Tumble in the outfield, on top of the dugout or do a backflip off the wall
  • Meet Tony Gwynn
  • Meet Trevor Hoffman

I can't think of anything else at the moment but I will most definitely update this as more things pop into my head. If you think of anything that I missed or would never have thought of, feel free to let me know and I'll decide if it's worthy of my personal list.



Sunday, July 8, 2012

Wait, Shit, Fuck, Dammit!! I'm So Confused!! Part Four

Okay so the title totally doesn't fit anymore because today I was clearly anti-Reds BUT I'm keeping it because it was a four game series and there should have been confusion. Wait, I lied. There was some confusion today just not of the "who do I cheer for" variety. There was a verbal fight between some douche lord in a Bryce Harper shersey and a Padres fan. No big deal right, just words. WRONG. Douche lord felt the need to get up into the other fans face and next thing I know our section is filled with cops. The Padres douche lord apparently decided he wasn't going to own up to the fact that he was in this verbal fight or so I heard from the Reds fan in front of us. I was too busy trying to make sure a foul ball didn't come at my head. You kinda need to watch out from that when you're in 114 row 2.

Before I go on with what I have to say I will rewind to how the day started. The day for Brandon, Colleen, Kelly and myself started with breakfast at the park and since Dusty Baker felt the need to have BP today we got to eat at the Batter's Eye next to the Dave Winfield plaque. Our view looked like this...


Pretty awesome, right?! It totally was. Go ahead and be jealous, I'll wait. Done?? Okay good. As if that wasn't enough, thanks to Baker's decision to have BP, we got to hang our boobs over the wall again and get some attention. While doing so I looked into RF and saw an older guy in the practice jerseys out talking to Mike Leake. I turned to one of my friends and said, I think that's Charlie Sheen. It's definitely not one of the Reds. It was totally Charlie Sheen and about ten minutes after I initially pointed him out, everyone and their mom was yelling his name. These people are slow as fuck. I'm in left center and you're by the LF foul pole right behind him and you can't figure it out for a good ten minutes?! You fail at life. Anyway, Charlie Sheen made his way over towards where we were and was chatting up Arroyo as seen here....


Sheen totally failed at shagging balls until Latos let him use his glove. At which point, Latos sucked at shagging balls and blamed it on Sheen's glove. Also during BP Chapman and Arredondo decided it would be more fun to stare at my boobs than to shag balls. I don't just mean stare for a few seconds either. I mean blatantly stand there staring for minutes at a time. For the off chance a professional athlete reads this, take note. If you're going to blatantly stare at a chicks boobs, smile or wave or something. It's a lot less creepy. Though I will admit I found this to be extremely hilarious. 


Okay back to where I started. We had awesome seats in 114 row 2 and nearly died due to a foul ball that ended up landing like a row back. I don't remember what inning it was or who hit it all I know is Colleen had just text me so I was looking down at my phone and the next thing I know I'm balled up on my seat protecting my head since I didn't know where the ball was. Super cute. Unfortunately I don't know if it was on TV or not. Part of me hopes it was and the other part hopes it wasn't. Oh yeah, this was my view... 


The Padres lost 4-2 but it's pretty hard to complain when you've had a day like I did. Like I've said in a previous post, the baseball gods may not like my team but they sure seem to have a thing for me. It's onto the All-Star break now so if I make a post it's definitely going to be on something stupid. Sorry. 

To sum things up the Padres lost again but I got a nice tan, we are officially on All-Star break and I got blatantly stared at by Chapman and Arredondo during BP. At least my boobs are good enough to draw their attention, not so much Charlie Sheen's but I'd rather not get herpes through osmosis, thanks.

Record: 34-53

Wait, Shit, Fuck, Dammit!! I'm So Confused!! Part Three

Why do I have this strange fascination with watching batting practice?? I about freaked out because I didn't get to watch BP on Thursday like I had originally planned, I made sure Kelly and myself got to Petco early so we could catch it  yesterday and today Colleen, Brandon and myself got to go on the field for BP. Oh yeah, not to mention almost every game I had ever gone to until this season I got there in time to catch BP. Seriously, I have this strange fascination with it and I don't understand why. I guess we can add that to the confusion experienced during this series.

I'm too tired to make a decent post beyond what I had typed before I left for the game tonight so I'll just throw in some pictures and hopefully they will tell a decent enough story.

Cozart

Charlie Sheen and somebody I don't know

Ludwick

Latos, Arroyo, Sheen

Side note: Charlie Sheen was too busy drooling over baseball players than to pay attention to the fact that my boobs were on display. I was thoroughly surprised he didn't notice boobs given his history. The Reds were also too busy drooling over Charlie Sheen to notice boobs tonight. Whatever, it got their attention last night. Also if you can't tell by the pictures, I was confused once again with my cheering but nothing compares to Thursday nights confusion.

Padres lost 6-5 and I'm hoping they win tomorrow because well just because.

Record: 34-52

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Wait, Shit, Fuck, Dammit!! I'm So Confused!! Part Two

I think I will do this one in a good news, bad news style...

Good News

  • Got to the game in time to watch BP
  • Charisma and jbox, from Gaslamp Ball, had extra tickets and we got to sit in 115 instead of utilizing park passes
  • I wasn't nearly as confused when it came to cheering tonight as I was last night
  • Cozart hit a home run to start off the game
  • I didn't use nearly as many colorful words as last night
  • I got to stay in the same seat the entire game
  • At least it wasn't a no hitter


Bad News

  • Cozart hit a home run to start off the game
  • I didn't use nearly as many colorful words as last night
  • The Reds look to have gotten back their hitting capabilities
  • Arroyo threw a complete game shutout 
  • the Padres lost their win streak in true Padres fashion with a final score of 6-0


Words of Wisdom
If you want to grab the attention of a baseball player during BP, hang your boobs over the fence. It works. We totally got Kelly a ball and could have grabbed her a baseball player too but he didn't speak English and she isn't dumb enough to be one out of thirty-two...

Record: 34-51

Friday, July 6, 2012

Wait, Shit, Fuck, Dammit!! I'm So Confused!! Part One

Those seven words came out of my mouth countless times tonight. I was so conflicted with my cheering that even Reds fans thought I was one of their own. Sure walking into our section wearing my Reds Spring Training shirt probably didn't help or you know the yelling at Latos to part. I'm still not sure if the Reds fans sitting next to us figured out that I am a Padres fan first and for most of if they just thought I was a baseball fan in general. Of course I was yelling at Volquez during the game and doing my best to cheer for the Padres even though Latos started. There were a few times during the same plate appearance that I went from cheering for Latos to cheering for whoever we had up. I told you I was very confused. There were times when I would finally cheer for Volquez because he recorded and out until I realized the out was Cozart then my confusion returned with "It's about damn time!! Oh shit, that was Cozart, dammit!!" All of that confusion paled in comparison when Heisey made an outstanding catch to rob Everth of a hit... at least I think it was Everth. I let out a huge "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!" when that happened but I still don't know if that was a yell of "fuck you" proportions or if it was a yell of "holy shit that was amazing but why couldn't it have happened against a different team" proportions. Either was I legitimately confused for the next ten minutes because of it. If it weren't for the rest of the shit that went on with a bullshit out call on Cam at first and the Padres hitting a couple homes runs to win their sixth, yes I said sixth, game in a row I'm sure I'd still be trying to figure it out. I find it ironic that the only people to hit home runs tonight were the Padres. Look at the Reds lineup then look at ours, they definitely should have been able to crush a ball or two. I will however say I was not any kid of okay with Everth's bat flip after he hit the game winning home run. Usually I would have been all for that and would have taken it as excitement but for some reason tonight I took that more as a "fuck you" than a celebration... probably because of all this confusion. All in all I love that we have figured out this winning thing BUT I hate that it's coming right before the All-Star break. We all know what happens when the Padres have time off when they start to get hot. Padres won 2-1 to take their sixth straight win and hopefully I won't be as confused the rest of the series but it is me and you never know what I am capable of.

Record 34-50

Edit: Apparently Everth didn't hit a game winning home run but a game winning single instead... or double, I don't even know anymore. I could have sworn he hit a home run too, which just makes it that much more disappointing that there was that dramatic bat flip. Whatever, we won and that's all that matters.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Five Straight Including a Sweep?! Get the Fuck Out

I know it's the Fourth of July but is it really necessary for all the super cheesy graphics today?? Chase starts the game off early with an RBI triple to hopefully make us continue this win streak and sweep the D-Backs. Marquis apparently didn't want the Padres to keep the lead for long because five batters into the first inning he gave up a three run home run to make it a 3-1 game, fail. Alonso drives in a run in the top of the third on a long single making it 3-2. Thank God his fat ass was able to crawl back to first after he slipped or I would have had to yell at him and I haven't eaten enough today to be able to have all my colorful terms ready for that. Cabrera scores on an RBI double by Marquis to tie the game. Unfortunately Marquis tried to stretch it into a triple and was out at third to end the inning.

Alexi scores Deno to make it 4-3 Padres in the seventh with an RBI double and the D-Backs seem to be having issues throwing on-line in attempts to get an out at home. The D-Backs tie the game in the bottom of the seventh and I'd assume Marquis will be pulled after the go ahead run comes around to score. Oh hey, I was wrong. Black actually pulled someone before it was too late. Zona stole second because Baker's accuracy was about as good as mine. Then Enberg tried to give them a two run home run on a foul ball that didn't clear the wall, hashtag old man issues.

Finally they put Grandal in the game, I was over Baker. I know this is like three home runs too late but I just got reminded by Enberg about what I'm going to say. I've always felt like the catcher should be your best batter because they are more used to recognizing pitches so the fact that Grandal has been doing as well as he has so far proves my thought right. On the flip side Nick doing as shitty as he has proves my thought wrong. I'm going to continue to think the catcher is the best batter because it makes perfect sense to me. Before I could even finish typing that sentence Grandal hits a two run jack to give the Padres the 6-4 lead in the top of the eighth. Deno had a hell of a night tonight, 4 for 5?! Holy shit. Deno comes around to score on an error off a bunt by Team Fun Size making it 7-4.. hahahaha 7-4, July 4th.. fitting. Alonso drove in Alexi and took away my brilliant idea for a title. I was thinking "Padres win 7-4 on 7/4, Suck it D-Bags". Stephen Drew had an RBI double making it 8-5 in the bottom of the ninth with no outs. Seriously, Padres, did you forget how to get outs?? Not okay. What is okay is that the Padres won 8-6 to make it their fifth in a row and a sweep over the D-backs. SUCK IT, ZONA!!

Record: 33-50

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Four in a Row. I Repeat, Four in a Row!!

Moments after I voiced my lack of interest in watching tonight's game, via twitter, Alonso decides to make it worth watching and hits a two run home run to give the Padres the 2-0 lead in the second. Me gusta mucho. Welp, Cashner's run as a starting pitcher has already been derailed. He apparently felt something in his arm during a warm-up toss before the third inning started. Is it that time for every one else to start blaming the training staff and strength and conditioning coaches or is it still just me?? There have been way too many injuries for it to be a coincidence. I think I mentioned this in one of my previous posts but I'm thinking that after the first handful of injuries the training staff/strength and conditioning coaches maybe have been overwhelmed and caused them to not be able to do their job as efficiently as in the past which just leads to a domino effect of injured players. Cashner ended up leaving the game with what turned out to be a strained lat and the Marks along with Enberg gave what I determined was the shittiest and most rapey anatomy lesson ever. 


Ohlendorf took over for Cashner and was getting the job done... with the bat, as he laid down what I can only assume was a perfect suicide squeeze since Cam did come around to score from third. Alexi scored Everth with a bases loaded single. Chase blew the game open with a bases clearing double to make it 7-0. Jesus, Padres, what has gotten into you?! I like it, I like it a lot. Have I mentioned all of this was done on one out?? If you don't know I enjoy Stephen Drew and wish the Padres would have grabbed him when we had the chance to so clearly I've missed him and am very disappointed they don't replay his injury every time he's up like they do Posey's. At least Drew's was fun and twisty and all "hey look my foot is backwards!!". In the fifth inning, the Padres added on a run thanks to an error. Seriously, where have these Padres been hiding?! Or did we just reach the magic number in injured players that turns the team into a team that knows what they are doing?? 


As I was about to write that the D-Backs were trying to make it interesting, they decide trying wasn't good enough and CRUSHED a grand slam, so much for us raping them. I was literally yelling "OH NO" over and over before that ball left the field. Can someone tell the Padres it's okay to score rape and for future reference let them know it's not okay to be score raped?? Thanks. Guzman put the Padres back out of slam range with a solo shot of his own to make it 9-4. Umm since when did we learn how to hit home runs this consistently?! That home run marks 14 for the road trip which is as many as we have hit at home all season. That's just not okay. Luke is having some issues and gives up the D-Backs fifth run to make it 9-5 and put them back in slam range. Not. Okay. However, the Padres win 9-5 to give us what is the longest win streak we have had all season with 4 straight wins. Holy fuck, four in a row. Let that sink in as we go for win number 5 tomorrow and fight to stay out of the cellar.

Record: 32-50

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Cycle's a Myth, Grandal and Alexi Are Beastly and I've Overused the Word "Bro"

So I come home from the movies, turn the game on and the Padres are winning 1-0 in the fourth... this is new. The next thing I know, Cam is hitting a solo shot to make it 2-0. What the hell is going on right now, bro?! As if that wasn't enough Alexi hits a two run double and it's now 4-0 Padres. THEN Grandal jacks a home run for himself to make it 5-0. Seriously, bro, what the hell is going on?! Maybe I need to go watch Magic Mike before every game because they clearly felt the need to put on a show better than Channing Tatum's stripper routines. The D-Backs scored two but I don't care because I have just been informed that Alexi is a triple shy of the cycle AND will have one more appearance in this game. In true Padres fashion we didn't get the cycle and I still believe it's a myth. Alonso was up with bases loaded and two outs and walks to score the sixth run. Sweet deal, bro. What wasn't a sweet deal, bro, was sending Quentin only to be out by a gazillion feet. As much as I'd hate to encourage anything Bryce Harper now but the fact that people were asking, myself included, why we sent Quentin is a clown question, bro. Clayton is playing the best I have seen him all season and was one strike away from a complete game. Unfortunately he gave up a hit and got pulled. I was really hoping he would get a complete game but it's okay, I'm just glad he's playing like the guy I used to love watching pitch. The Padres win 6-2 and we have a three game win streak to work with. Yay for momentum, bro!!

Record: 31-50

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Padres Take Two From the Rockies, I'll Take It

So far this game has been incredibly boring and the only thing that I have to even write about is the fact that Mark Grant said the word "sticky" and I immediately thought "sticky-icky". Then Masur said "power stroke" and I couldn't stop laughing just because of how wrong it sounded and typing it now made me think "vinegar stroke" if you don't get that one, watch the League. Way for having this be any kind of related to baseball.

On a series of unfortunate events for the Rockies, the Padres got two extra outs and a free run in for the first run of the game. This "intention to hit" shit is beginning to get annoying. What the hell are they supposed to do, stand there looking pretty?! That's my job. Four and a third innings into this game and I'm so ready to go back to bed. This series against the Rockies might have been one of the most boring series I have ever seen the teams play in Colorado. The previous two games were more or less blowout wins which just makes it fun for one teams fan base.

Because there is nothing worth writing about so far for this game I suppose I'll throw my two cents in on the Padres representative for the All Star game, Huston Street. This is his first All Star game and it makes me wonder if he would have made it with a different team or if the only reason he made it was because the Padres have to have someone there to represent the team. I'm sticking with the latter. The Padres default representative is always our closer. At this point I'd almost rather us not have anyone than have a default player.

Deno had a two out RBI to score Alexi from third, making it a 2-0 game in seven. In the next half inning Alexi showed why he should be an every day starter. I'd elaborate but people keep sending me gymnastics injury clips and stupid soccer player mishaps on twitter so that's where my attention has gone. Padres win 2-0 and take the series. On to Zona!!

Record: 30-50