Grandal and Armarista Remind the Team That They Are Indeed In Colorado

Lets get this out of the way, I don't care what the Padres do tonight because Latos just made me even more bitter about the trade. I want him back, NOW and by now you know I mean last December. In other "I'm bitter about the trade" news, Grandal got called up last night again as Nick was sent down to work shit out. Like I've said before, I think Grandal is the only guy from that trade that I don't dislike so I'm excited that he gets the start today. However, Volquez and Alonso are starting also.

The Padres had something starting early when Logan singled and made it to third on an error unfortunately the Padres still haven't figured out that they are playing in Colorado. Also unfortunately for me Fox hates me because my picture looks like this on the "normal" setting as well as the "wide" and "panoramic" settings.  Apparently everyone and their mom has a normal looking picture, except for me. Asshole. Fun fact: the Padre have used THIRTEEN starting pitchers this season. This is beyond unacceptable almost as unacceptable as grown men playing Call Me Maybe in the clubhouse or Coor's Field playing Spice Girls.


Grandal just got his first career hit in the top of the fourth, a home run at that, to put the Padres up 1-0. I love that he came back into the dugout and was high fiving the air while the rest of the team acted like it was nothing. That always makes me smile when guys goof around like that. The Padres lead didn't last long as Volquez gave up a solo home run on the first pitch of the inning. Good job, bro. I want to know why the ball went to Cam's left but he reached to his right... that was just weird. Grandal airmailed the ball to first to bring another run around for the Rockies. The only good part of that whole play, Chase getting the runner out at third. Volquez drills the next batter and is making sure that I continue to be bitter about that trade.

I hate that Fox is being weird and that I don't know what inning I'm in since I'm barely paying attention but Quentin just got drilled and Grandal just hit his second home run of the night/career to make it 3-2 Padres. The next inning Alexi starts off the inning with a home run of his own to make it 4-2 Padres. Looks like they finally remembered they are playing in Colorado. Yasmani has a chance with two on, no outs to do some more damage but the only damage he did was hit into a double play. It's alright, you have done more in two at bats than the majority of the team has done all season. Cam finally comes through with a  single to score Chase from third. Yep, they figured out they are in Colorado for sure. Alexi jacks a three run shot to make it 8-2. The Rockies scored a couple runs to make the game and 8-4 final but I don't really care about that, on to tomorrow!!

Record: 29-50

Yeah, We Forgot We Were in Colorado...

Dear Mark Grant,
It is not necessary to say "there goes the no-hitter" after the lead off man gets on base. It's annoying and makes you sound stupid. I have tried to like you but you insistence on being annoying makes it very difficult to even try.
Sincerely,
Me

The Rockies scored first during the first to make it a 1-0 game. They also scored another run in the third to make it a 2-0 game. I noticed something "interesting" during the game, in the fourth Chase was up to bat and instead of showing his stats or what he did in his last plate appearance it showed his height, weight, age and where he's from. Since when do the Padres do that?! I've decided it was the Padres way of shopping Chase mid-game. You know in case prospective buyers are watching the Padres game. HA, who am I kidding, Padres fans barely watch the games.

Mark Grant got on his whole if I were commissioner soapbox again during the game. His shit is so annoying, pretty sure he would be the worst commissioner ever. Oops, someone forget to grab their sunglasses and had to go into the dugout to get them so the batter should get to finish his plate appearance without a first baseman. Umm, shut the fuck up. How would any of that be fair?! Apparently earlier he also talked about how long the grass should be, thank God I had the TV muted at that point.


During the bottom of the sixth the Rockies had one on and Car-Go up to bat. Car-Go got an RBI triple then came around to score on the horrendous throw by Logan. That throw was absolutely TERRIBLE. I don't think I have seen a throw worse than that, ever. Okay, now the Rockies are up 5-0 and the Padres apparently forgot how to throw on-line. Rockies score one more before the inning is over to make it 6-0 Rockies. Clearly the Padres have decided that after that game winning grand slam last night that the season was over because there was no way to top that and have decided that no other game this season counts. It's the only logical explanation for playing like this in the thin air, balls fly like no other, stadium.


I was about to write "the Padres do know they are playing in Colorado right??" then Quentin remembered as he hit a solo home run. Thank you Quentin for showing the Padres what they are supposed to be doing, Padres now trail 6-1. Padres score on a Deno single to drive in Alexi from second. The Rockies jack a two run shot to put them up 8-2 and I'm sooooooo over this game. Welp, another two run homer makes it 10-2 Rockies. Is it time for the Olympic Trials for Women's Gymnastics yet?? It's pretty annoying that we are in Colorado and we still can't score. Padres lose 10-2, awesome.

Record: 28-50

Very Superstitious but Payback is a Motherfuckin Bitch

I just want to get this out of the way before I start anything else. I spent the last 2.5 hours before the game watching the US Men's Gymnastics Olympic Trials and spent more time yelling "OOOOOH!!!" at the TV for a stuck landing than I have all season at any plays the Padres have made. Translation, you need to step your shit up Padres. I shouldn't be more impressed by a stuck landing than anything you do... even though gymnastics is my first love. I also want to say that no matter how much I might complain about Mark Grant and Dick Enberg, I will gladly take them over gymnastics announcers. THEY. ARE. THE. WORST. Don't tell me a vault was fantastic when the guy about face planted after his initial landing. Okay, gymnastics to baseball rant over.

Cashner makes his first start after being stretched out in the minors today and we get to see just how much or little he pisses me off. So far Cashner hasn't pissed me off too much but he is still throwing more balls than I would like. I don't care how hard you throw the ball, it doesn't matter if you can't get it where you need it to go, simple as that. In the top of the third Chase put the Padres on top with a solo home run and I was still not nearly as impressed by that as I was earlier with a stuck landing, so sad. The one thing about Cashner that I'm impressed with is his speed. He is a lot faster than I thought he would be and I'm fairly confident that the umpire took at least one infield hit away from him. You have seen in the past my frustration when players don't run it out, so it's very refreshing to see a pitcher of all people running it out.


You know a pitcher has something going on when he is sitting all by himself in the dugout. Through five innings Cashner is killing it, thanks in part to Alonso making a nice grab. I refuse to say what it is because you know, superstitions and all but that is as much as I will elaborate at the time being. While Cashner is being all lonely in the dugout the Padres managed to load the bases with one out and Everth up to bat. I smell a double play here. Okay, so there was no double play but Everth struck out and Nick, well he was Nick. The getting out of the inning without us scoring a run was the important thing that I was calling.


MOTHERFUCKER!! Cashner went 6 1/3 innings of no hit baseball until all you fucks on twitter started tweeting the words "no hitter". I am thoroughly ashamed of each and every one of you assclowns for doing that. As baseball fans you should know better than to ever speak or tweet those words!! Not only did you jinx the no hitter but I am fully blaming you for Cashner now giving up a two run shot. You threw off his mojo, douche lords. If this happened during a game I was in attendance for, I would have to punch people for even thinking about speaking those two words... though I might have to stop and think if punching people for jinxing it would be worth being banned from the stadium. Even if you aren't superstitious, respect the fact that other people are. There is no need to be a king douche and ruin it for everyone else. Bottom line, if any of you assdicks even thought to speak the words "no hitter" during the Padres game, I hate you, and if you did speak those words, you are dead to me. The End. 


The Padres are starting to look like they are falling apart now which is not surprising but at least I got a good laugh when Deno's throw into third drilled the Astros third base coach in the balls. The Astros doubled in the runner on third and now have a 3-1 lead. Fan-fucking-tastic, we go from a beautiful possible no hitter to looking like we are falling apart in an inning. The Padres are down by one now with runners on first and second with one out. Can we please salvage this game, please?? The Padres once again load the bases and bring a run around as Quentin got drilled to tie the game at 3. FUCK YES!! Team fun size with the grand fucking slam, Padres now up 7-3. This is what I like to call payback. You take away our no-no, we have the smallest guy hit the slam. Payback is a motherfuckin bitch, bitch. Thank you Padres for finally stepping your shit up and giving me something to cheer and bitch about in the same game. That was one of the best games I think I have seen them play in a long time. Padres win 7-3 to split the series and on to Colorado we will go.


Record: 28-49

So We Give Up Two Hits and Still Lose?! WE. ARE. AWESOME.

Not even a half hour into the game and they are already in the bottom of the third. Just when I begin to think this game is going to be a super fast one, Clayton gives up a solo home run, making this inning the longest so far. I seriously do not think I have seen an inning go by as quickly as the first did. For some reason during one of  the first three innings they started talking about fashion, again. I don't care that they were talking about retro uniforms, this is a baseball game not Project Runway, stop it. They also brought up Aroldis Chapman's little celebration after he closed out the game last night for the Reds. I'm not sure why because I tend to tune out Mark Grant and only hear him when he says something stupid. Everyone seems to have a huge issue about that, the celebration thing not the tuning out Grant thing... okay maybe that too. I understand completely that it comes off as disrespectful but he was excited to not be blowing saves. What I don't understand is Mark Grant's comment about if he did a round off back handspring instead. So it's not okay for Chapman to do somersaults but it would be if he did a round off back handspring?! Oh, okay because that wouldn't be a lot more of a shove it in your face thing than a couple of somersaults, that makes perfect sense. All of that just brings me to this, "I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot". I'm not sorry if this statement pisses you off because you like Mark Grant. I'm sure he's a super nice guy or whatever but his comments make me think that more often that I ever should for one person.

As if I didn't like Leila enough as it is, a foul ball came right to her in the bottom of the fifth and she didn't even attempt to catch it, THEN she went on to ask how you're supposed to catch a ball with a mic in your hand. Uhh, you have two hands for a reason, after all people have caught the ball with a baby in their arms and I'm pretty sure a baby is more valuable than a mic, I could be wrong though. Besides if you really need both hands to catch something you can still do it with something in one hand, it's not that hard.


An hour and a half into the game and we are already done with seven innings. I guess that "super long" third inning didn't slow down the game at all. Clayton gave up two hits in seven innings and they pulled him?! Why the hell would you do that?? It's not like his pitch count was way up there or anything. Please don't tell me he got hurt and that's why he came out of the game. I don't think I can handle any more injuries. The Padres had the chance to tie it in the ninth with Alexi pinch running for Quentin on a single by Logan. I know Alexi has the speed but why the hell did we send him on that?! The Padres once again have the chance to tie it in the ninth and even take the lead, unfortunately the odds are against us... bases loaded, two outs and Nick up to bat. Nick Struck out and the Padres lose 1-0 in about two hours making it probably one of the fastest games I have ever watched. 

Record: 27-49

PS. If you haven't figured it out by this point, I had my sassy pants on while writing this.

The Padres Are Nothing More Than a Giant Tease

So I missed the first couple innings of the game because I was having a beach day with my birthday twin but we finally made our way to a sports bar and had to ask them to turn the game on. Once the game was on I noticed the Padres had the bases loaded and wondered how the hell that was possible. We, of course, didn't score. No big deal, the game was still early and tied 0-0, now to see how this Wells guy does... I don't like him. I'm not any kind of okay with him and his whole "I don't know how to throw first pitch strikes" bullshit. Will hit a solo home run that was pretty obvious to us was a no doubter but from the looks of how he was rounding the bases he didn't seem to think it was and neither did the umps until Black came out and they went back to review it. The Padres lead didn't last long as one of the Astros hit a solo home run to tie it.

Apparently between the time we left the sports bar and the time I got home, the Astros scored four more runs and I found out they optioned Parrino. They need to speak to me before these things because Parrino is not one of the players I would have optioned especially after that play he made last night. However, I about had a mini panic attack when I was informed he got optioned. For some reason, maybe the exposure to the sun, made me think that option meant released and I had a mini panic attack before I remembered that optioned isn't a terrible thing. Yeah, I'd rather him be up with the Padres than in AAA but with talks of Chase possibly being traded, I don't think it's going to be long before he gets brought back up and worked in with Logan, Everth and Alexi. When I got home they apparently decided to pinch hit Chase for Kotsay which didn't make any kind of sense to me. I figured if they were going to pinch hit for Kotsay that it would have been Guzman or Alonso so that one of them would take over first without wasting a player. Turns out, Chase plays first as well. It is one of the weirdest things ever knowing that he's playing first. I don't think I have ever seen him there or knew he knew how to play there. Can you guys stop weirding me out by doing stuff like that?? Thanks. Chase drove in two on an RBI single to make it a 5-3 game with the tying run up to bat with two outs in the ninth. Baker singled to move Chase to third and now this game rest on Everth's shoulders... I don't like this. Everth got hit and now the bases are loaded with everything coming down to Team Fun Size. Again, I don't really like this. I like watching Alexi but I don't feel like he is going to be able to get that key hit we need, though he did pull through the other day. He didn't pull through and the Padres lose 5-3. This loss is almost as bad as losing to the Cubs.

Record: 27-48

Well Wasn't That Fantastical?!

Fair warning, I'm multitasking right now. Two pitches into the Astros half of the first and the Padres already give up a home run. Please tell me that's going to be the only home run we give up today. Apparently not, as we allowed Carlos Lee to hit solo shot as well. With the way this game is starting I sure am glad I'm multitasking this game with the Reds Brewers game... don't mind me if I start writing about Latos' start instead of our game. The Padres got one run back in the top of the second but my multitasking skills were failing me so I don't know how we got it back. Nick stepped up and hit a two run double to give the Padres a 3-2 lead. I know it's still early but where has this Nick been hiding?! Deno added on to the Padres lead with an RBI single to score Nick and make it a 4-2 game. Whenever the Padres score more than a run or two in a game I get worried that that will be all the runs we get during the series. It's a very legit concern.

The Astros got one of those runs back in the bottom of the second and once again my multitasking failed me. Not my fault Latos is killing it for the Reds tonight. Okay maybe it is, I sent some good juju his way... well as much juju as positive thoughts send. Logan doubled in a run in the top of the third and this is going to be one of those "please don't let this be all the runs we get this series" series, Padres lead 5-3. I clearly can't be counted on to write a decent post when I'm watching more than one game because the Astros scored again and I couldn't tell you how. Yeah the Astros tied it but I was a little busy watching Latos throw a complete game while setting a career high 13K's and being pissed that he's not with us anymore, sorry. I also don't know how the Astros took the lead back due to the excitement running over from the Reds game, that was played more like a Padres game than a Reds game. I find that funny because this Padres game is being played more like a Reds game than a Padres game except of course the Padres are on the losing end of both those scenarios... usually. Guzman with the two run shot in the top of the eighth to give the Padres back the lead. If we pull this off, today will have been a fantastical day of baseball for me.

They gave up a solo shoot to Castro to tie the game at 7-7 after eight, this is going to be a long game... enter extra innings. Okay so it wasn't as long as I thought since Quentin doubled to score Chase and the Padres took the lead back for what seems to be the millionth time this game. The Padres win it in 10 by a score of 8-7. Suck it Stros!!

Record: 27-47

They Said This One Was for AK and They Pulled Through

Today started off with some sad news for the Padres family. Bullpen coach Darrel Akerfelds died this morning. Some of the players carried his jersey out to the bullpen and I about lost it. Honestly, I wouldn't have been able to place a face with the name but seeing how the Padres honored him would probably trigger tears for just about anyone... unless you're soulless. Anyway RIP AK.

Lets just get this out of the way, Volquez is starting, gross. There was nothing exciting going on until the fourth inning. The Padres loaded the bases with no outs in the fourth, shocking. I got excited that we had the bases loaded until I realized Cam was up. I really like him but he sucks right now and I have no faith in this at bat. If he doesn't bring in a run I don't think we will with the 8 and 9 batters up next. Cam lined one to the pitcher who literally saved his face with that catch. Aaaaand I was wrong, Alexi hit a ground rule double to bring in two, giving the Padres the 2-0 lead. That fourth inning was the only inning worth watching. I'm really beginning to get sick of this whole only scoring in one inning thing. The Padres take this one for AK and win 2-0.

Record: 26-47

Boring Games Lead to Odd Posts

Sorry for not posting last night but I was kind of stuck in traffic for an hour on the 8W during the game and by the time I got home I was ready to pass out and didn't watch the game until this morning.

Well the Padres score first on what I assumed was a balk call. I had the TV muted because Leila was speaking and we all know how I feel about her. They really need to warn me when she is about to speak so I can have the mute button ready and they also need to give me a cue so I know when to unmute the TV. I completely missed the Mariners three runs being scored because well, getting something to eat was more important. Pretty sure I was on the verge of death and no one would want me to die because then you wouldn't get these perfectly awesome posts. Sometime between that last sentence and me eating a pack of KitKats the Mariners scored two more runs and I still can't tell you how that happened... maybe we should keep food away from me when there's a game on. Anyway, the Mariners lead 5-1 going into the bottom of the fourth which I would have sworn was the bottom of the seventh, probably because they cut to Leila so many times already.

During the top of the seventh Enberg started bitching about players that step out of the batters box and adjust their gloves among doing other things in between pitches saying something about them taking too much time and blah, blah, blah. What makes him think that these players that do it all the time don't have OCD?! I'm convinced that every baseball player has a little bit of OCD except Coco Crisp and Nomar Garciapara, I've decided they have a more advanced case of it. When I would watch them I swear I could see them counting the number of times they did each thing in their heads. Granted a lot of the stuff is just a part of the players timing mechanism but I feel like it is, like I said, a little bit of OCD. After all OCD is repetitive behaviors among other repetitious things in which they have to do certain things to make the repetitious thoughts, behaviors, etc. go away, so it only makes sense... to me at least. And this is what happens when the Padres have a really boring game going on and go on to lose 5-1 which was done in the fourth inning. Hooray.

Record: 25-47

The Baseball Gods May Hate My Team but They Sure Seem to Have a Thing for Me This Year...

As you may know, this season I have had incredible luck when it comes to going to games. No, the Padres don't always win when I go. Actually I think that's only happened twice BUT I have been upgraded to suites  a couple times and have been granted field access during batting practice. Come to think of it, I had some pretty decent luck with this last year too. I mean if you count random fans giving me free tickets to sit behind home and a row behind the third base dugout luck. The only thing different about today was that attending this game was a last minute/late night decision. The only reason I wanted to go to today's game was to see Josh Hamilton put on a show... he didn't. However, Colleen and myself, thanks to her friends, not only got hooked up with awesome seats near the Rangers bullpen but got field access thanks to their season ticket rep. What this means is we got to walk through the Petco and come out of the tunnels and literally stand there on the warning track, path if you're Dick Enberg, and watch the Rangers take BP.

During our time on the field I had turned around and saw Yu Darvish in the stands. Well, who we swore was Yu Darvish. It turned out it was "Minivish". This guy, no joke, looked so much like the real Darvish that even the Rangers were confused as to why he was in the stands. A handful of them were just staring at this guy with that look like "Bro, you know you're pitching right?? Stop fucking around in the stands"... Okay, maybe it wasn't so much a look like that as it was a "WTF?! Is that Darvish?!" kind of look. Either way it made us feel better that we weren't the only ones who thought he was Darvish.

After BP ended Colleen wanted a picture with Mike Napoli. So one of her friends motioned to Napoli to ask if Colleen could take a picture with him and told me I should get in the picture as well. My thought process was "umm he's not on my team so I don't give a fuck who he is". Pretty sure I even said that in hearing range from him, oops. I decided I wasn't going to get in the picture but Napoli was just standing there staring at me like he was waiting for me to get in the picture, so I did. Or maybe he was staring at me for saying that I don't give a fuck who he is, either way I got a picture with him. Other fans were looking for autographs but I have this thing about getting autographs. I think it's super weird and completely awkward. Like seriously, these guys are just regular people. Now taking a picture with one is completely understandable because taking a picture is more or less a daily thing when you're out with friends. So the players aren't actually you're friends, more often than not, but still it's a normal thing to do. Even if the player was a friend of mine I would still go up and ask for a picture and expect them to look at me like I'm a dumbass, laugh then take a picture with me. I really need to become friends with players just so I can do that. I would find it very comical.

After batting practice was over the guys exchanged some tickets so that we could sit with them in their section. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being upgraded to suites but there is something about sitting field level with the chance to get murdered by a foul ball that makes me super happy. I love being that close to the game even though if a foul ball came my way I would probably break something or end up bleeding. I would most likely do one of two things, try to bare hand the ball and break my hand on impact or duck to live and smack my head on something. I'm actually quite graceful but I feel like my gracefulness and athleticism would fail me big time in a moment like that.

While in our fantabulous seats the Padres came out to warm up and I got to see just how tiny Team Fun Size really is. I'm fairly confident that he is barely taller than I am, if that. That's him and Jim Malone, the strength and conditioning coach, in the photo to the left. Speaking of Jim Malone, I'm pretty sure I yelled at him that he needs to do a better job because it is unacceptable that so many of our players are broken. He clearly didn't hear me as Bass left the game with an inflamed shoulder. Your job as a strength and conditioning coach is to make sure your players are conditioned properly so that they avoid injury. Obviously Malone needs to do his job better so that Todd Hutcheson doesn't have a bazillion players to fix and take care of. There are only so many hours in a day and there's just about more players hurt than there are hours in the day now. Okay, maybe in a baseball work day and not an actual day but still, Malone and Hutcheson need to work better together in order to keep our team off the DL.With the rate the Padres get injured there is no doubt that Hutcheson is earning his pay. Shit, they might want to consider paying him more for all the extra work he has to do or pay him less for not doing a better job at preventing these injuries. I'm not even going to say that some of these injuries are solely to blame on the training and conditioning staff because as a player at this level I would hope you would be telling your trainer when you even feel the slightest pain so that they can do what they can to make sure it doesn't progress into something more serious. I understand that guys are tough and macho and want to play through the pain and all that good shit but seriously, don't be dumb, this could be your career on the line. Rant over.

Dear white people,
Wear sunscreen when you know you are going to a day game at Petco. You do not want to end up looking like this chick...

Sincerely, I will laugh at and take pictures of you when you look like a lobster.
That picture does her sunburn no justice and it makes me extremely sad. It was quite an epic burn.

Anyway, that was our adventure for the day. We may or may not have offended some chicks that may or may not have been affiliated with Cam, the Padres lost and there was no Josh Hamilton show. Aside from the losing and lack of show from Hamilton, today was a pretty good day and I have to thank everyone who has taken me to a game these past two seasons as well as those who will be taking me to future games. I'm not sure how the baseball gods will top the stuff that has gone on this season but if you're listening gods, sitting on Cory's lap during a game and after in the locker room would be the best way to top everything. That would be the icing on the cake with the cherry on top, extra whipped cream and chocolate syrup and all that other good stuff that tastes just as good on people as it does on food.

Record: 24-46

Oh Gross, Volquez Is Pitching

That was my first thought when I turned on the game. My second thought "Given it's a Volquez start, I'm really hoping for the Josh Hamilton show tonight". It would make me feel a lot better if we did get the Josh Hamilton show against Volquez than if it were against any other starter. He is just a fun guy to watch play and I just really don't like Volquez, as you should all know by now. I'm enjoying having Brad Ausmus in the booth tonight and hearing what Baker has to say during his little in game interview but I'm not enjoying this whole showing him thing. It's pissing me off about as much as it does when they cut to Leila or Sweeney. I don't need to see them, thanks. I really wish we could have Ausmus in the booth all the time. For once this season I wasn't bored to death by Grant and Enberg.

Volquez is doing his best to ensure my hatred of him by walking the bases loaded in the second. Can you stop doing that, you dumbfuck?! Luckily, we managed to get a pretty fantastical DP to get out of the inning AND one of the Rangers pulled his hamstring... that's my unprofessional trainers opinion. Well look who got a hit tonight, Hundley. Not only did he get a hit but it scored a run and the Padres have the 1-0 lead in the bottom of the second. Sweet deal, bro. The Rangers have two on, one out and Hamilton up to bat... let the games begin!! Hamilton triples and the Padres now trail 2-1. Hamilton scores on a fly ball out to Will to make it 3-1 Rangers. Will's throw beat him to the plate, which was a much better throw than I thought, but it was on the first base side so the fact that his throw was decent doesn't really matter.

As per usual, Volquez is sucking it up tonight and the Rangers have taken a 5-1 lead in the sixth. The Padres give up another run, thanks to the Rangers pitcher. Yeah, you read that right, the Rangers pitcher got the RBI for that. PADRES FAIL. Alonso hit into what should have been an inning ending double play but got lucky with a terrible throw to first to pull their 1B off the bag and an awkward "I'll beat you to the bag" run/stretch thingy that brought Cam in from third to make it 6-2 Rangers. Beltre hits a home run in the seventh extending the lead and making me want this game to end. I wanted it to be the Josh Hamilton show, not the Adrian Beltre show. Baker with a pinch hit single to score Nick and make it a 7-3 game, which would become the final.

Oh and here's this for funsies.

Blame Ausmus for this... the whole him being with the Padres in the 90's made me think of my all time favorite which lead me to this video.

Record: 24-45

UGH, Texas

I was going to apologize for the whole not posting the A's series thing but to be honest, I'm not sorry. I wasn't home to watch the first two games of the series and was busy all day yesterday too. Plus I haven't really been that into writing this lately. I feel like it has become more of an obligation than it is fun now, though I doubt people actually read this or care. Anyway my mini hiatus has slightly refreshed my love for baseball so hopefully that means I will be able to write a normal sarcastically comical post about tonight's game like I did when I first started this thing.

Much like expected, the Rangers score first in the first putting the Padres in a position to try and climb their way out of a 2-0 deficit. Chase gives us a run back with an RBI double but we failed to bring anymore around AND we had no outs to work with. It's the top of the fifth and I've realized that I shouldn't have watched the Reds Indians runfest because by this point in that game it was tied 7-7 and now I'm just really sad and bored that his game is only 2-1. That game went on to end 10-9... this game, chances are, will end right where it is now. The Padres have the bases loaded in the bottom of the sixth with two outs and they bring in Alonso to pinch-hit... are you trying to lose?! As I figured, Alonso made the finally out but instead of hitting a line drive to first he had some swinging bunt thing with a slide that had the most awkward dive into I have ever seen... it was Shamu-esque. Mike Adams makes an appearance in the eighth to give up a hit to Chase, recorded two outs before hitting Everth to bring Kotsay up to bat. Adams won that battle and I'm not happy with it. I didn't care too much for him when he was with us and I care even less for him now. The Padres threaten in the bottom of the ninth with two on, two outs and Chase up to bat. The fate of this game rests on his shoulders... his shoulders gave out. 


The one highlight of this game to this point, Marquis getting his 1,000th strikeout. Pretty sure I was being a fatty and getting food when it happened so I don't remember what inning this happened in but still, good job dude. Another good job, 9 K's through 6 innings. The Padres lose 2-1 and that was without Hamilton playing.


Record: 24-44

(Insert Cheesy Title to Say We Got the Sweep Here)

As any Padres game this game was scoreless for a good chunk of time, then the fifth inning happened. While I was apparently on the website strippers do all their shopping from, we managed to load the bases and I missed one of the most perfect bunts ever, or so I've been told. Better than that, we managed to score a run... make that three on two hits and an error. I don't know I wasn't paying attention to how they scored Everth on that. I know there was an error but that was what lead Everth to second. Either way the Padres have a 3-0 lead and I definitely found the strippers go to website. Deno doubles in another run to make it a 4-0 game in the sixth and it looks like we might actually do something we have yet to do all season, sweep a team AND win three in a row. WATCH OUT.

Guzman continues this magnificent inning to make it a 5-0 game with no outs. Unfortunately Guzman got caught in a rundown but it's okay because Baker singled in Deno and it's now a 6-0 game with one out. Team fun size singles and the inning continues, how exciting?! Not nearly as exciting as my online shopping adventures tonight. In the seventh the Mariners drilled Quentin in the kidney and I will be thoroughly surprised if he isn't pissing blood later. I find it no coincidence that after I close the stripper site, we give up a run and make it more interesting in the bottom of the eighth to make it a 6-2 game. Two runs is all the Mariners would get as the Padres win 6-2.

Holy shit, can this be true?! Did we actually just sweep a team?! AND do we actually have a three game win streak going on?! Answer, FUCK YES we did!!

Record: 23-41

Hey, We Took a Series

I may have asked one of the dumbest questions ever on twitter. I didn't get home or start the game until 8 so I was in the fourth inning and asked if I would miss anything if I hit live. DUMBEST QUESTION EVER. I clearly forgot who my team was and who we were playing. I hit live and hadn't missed anything. In the bottom of the sixth the Mariners just missed a home run they got "safeco'd" and I thought Enberg was going to have an aneurysm or something with all that excitement. In the top of the seventh Alonso hit a home run to give the Padres the 1-0 lead. I'm thankful I hit live because I'm so tired that there would have been no way I would have been awake by the time the seventh came around.

In the bottom of the seventh the Mariners load the bases with one out because Alonso clearly had a stroke in the midst of catching the ball because I'm pretty sure that was like a t-ball play. The Padres get out of the bases loaded jam so by definition, my definition, the Mariners don't deserve to win. The Padres loaded the bases with no one out in the ninth, thanks in part to Deno hitting it off the pitchers ass. All I could think of, besides to laugh hysterically, was "Pitchers got a big butt". Yes, I'm five. Cam strikes out looking then Nick hits into a double play. Motherfucker. We sooooooo don't deserve to win this game. As much as we don't deserve to because of that bases loaded fiasco, we did win. Padres take the series with the 1-0 lead. 

I suppose I should mention that the douche lord Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros minutes ago. I feel like with him doing so that it takes away any and all specialty. But you know, no Padres fan wants to hear about his game. The one thing I really hate about perfect games and no hitters, is that it ultimately comes down to luck and that's just one of the things the Padres never have enough of. 

Record: 22-41

Lets Never Do That Again, Please

The Padres score first on a bloop single by Chase in the top of the third and as far as I'm concerned the game can end now. Deno triples in the fourth but that's as far as that inning went. Somehow the Mariners tied the game which most likely means this game will go into extras and it's of course one of the only days that I don't want to watch bonus baseball. Somehow the Padres scored two more runs and are winning 3-1... I'm missing everything thanks to this bad mood. As with the theme of the night I missed how the other two runs came around to score to give us a 5-1 lead with one out in the sixth. I'm kind of bummed that the Padres are actually having a good game and I'm not even able to enjoy it or write a decent post about it. Thatcher comes into the ninth and the wheels start to come off, first with a home run then with a double. The Padres lead is now 5-2 and Street comes in to get the save. Personally I would have put Street in to begin with, I don't care if it wasn't a save situation then or not. Thatchers runner came around to score in a single making it a 5-3 game. Are we seriously going to blow this game?! Another run comes around to score to make it 5-4 then we FINALLY get the last out and end up winning. Lets never do that again, please. Padres win 5-4.

Record: 21-41

An Assclown + Baker + Shady Calls = A Stressful Loss

Well what do you know, Venable starts the game off right with a lead-off home run. That assdick Ryan Braun took away a home run from Chase Headley and I'm just glad I got to use a colorful name for Braun... haven't had the chance to all series. During the top of the second Baker reaches first on an error on the pitcher, putting runners at the corner for Everth, oy. An awkward play got Everth out but a run around to score so I'll take the 2-0 lead but whoever fielded that ball underestimated Alonso's slowness. I'm fairly confident that they would have easily been able to get Alonso out and save that run but it's ok, I like when the other team makes the stupid mistakes.

Dear Mark Grant,
A walk-off can only occur at home so your stating "a walk-off at home" is redundant and I shake my head at the fact that you used to be a professional player.
Signed,
You're annoying me, stop it.

The Padres had the 2-0 lead going into the bottom of the sixth and that's where the game went to shit. Baker's throw to get Aoki stealing second, flies into center to give Aoki third as well. Then the douche lord singled in Aokie to cut the Padres lead in half. Fan-fucking-tabulous. As if that wasn't bad enough the Brewers ended up hitting a three run home run that I believe Cam should have been able to catch if he was over to the right a tad bit more. The Padres who had the lead the majority of the game are now trailing 4-2. Cam misses another makeable play and decides to crush himself into the wall. Don't do that Cam!!

The Brewers take a 6-2 lead thanks to that fucktard hitting a two run shot... I'm over this "I didn't take steroids, I have herpes" guy. Can't we just drill the asshat instead of pitching to him?? It only makes sense. Not even halfway into the season and we have seen every one of the guys we got in that trade. Only two have I been any kind of "excited" for and of course they are the ones we had in the minors. Naturally I'm going to be excited for them to make their major league debut but I'm still not excited we have them... unless they impress me and don't piss me off to begin with like Alonso and Volquez did. The Padres load the bases with one out in the ninth with who is apparently the Brewers version of Cashner. Ya know the pitcher that throws 100+ and still manages to load the bases. Chase with a base hit to score Deno and the bases are still loaded with Quentin up to bat. Time to cross your fingers and pray to the baseball gods and any and all other gods.

Yep, this pitcher is the Cashner of the Brewers and he walked in a run to make it a 6-4 game. Alonso strikes out on a bad call and now it's up to Guzman to do something amazing for us. Fortunately he didn't need to do anything as he was walked and another run came around to score. Now all our hope rests on Baker, oy. The Padres lose 6-5 and I blame it on the assclown, Baker and some shady calls by the umpires in the ninth.

Record: 20-41

It's the Small Victories That Count

Well the Brewers scored first, nothing new here. What is new is that Cashner is the starting pitcher. He's supposed to last 3 innings but with 25 or so pitches in the first inning, I don't think he's going to last his three. If you are considering making a reliever a future starter then maybe you should have stretched him out first instead of the 'hey you're getting the start then we're sending you to the minors to stretch out your arm' thing. I would have thought that it would be logical to work Cashner into long relief before giving him a start but you know that would be using common sense, something the Padres clearly lack.

For once the Padres actually ran all out like I've been yelling at them to do and it worked to our benefit. Everth came around to score and Logan was safe at first. Typically when there's two outs and the batter hits it to short for a routine play, they half ass it to first naturally assuming the ball is going to beat them there. It pisses me off when they do that but thank God, Logan ran all out on that or else this game would still be 1-0 Brewers instead of a 1-1 game going into the bottom of the third.

Well I called it, Cashner only lasted 2.1 innings and threw 47 pitches. Alonso continues to hit into those super annoying double plays where he lines it to first. I'm REALLY over it. The Padres forgot how to cover first on a bunt and Cam forgot how to throw the ball on line and the Padres are losing 2-1 now.Venable doubled in Baker and took third on the throw home to tie the game at 2 in the top of the fifth. I for one am shocked that Baker scored from first. Then again that throw home was pretty terrible. The Padres load the bases in the sixth with one out and Baker has a two run single to give the Padres the 4-2 lead. According to theory, we SHOULD win this game. Alonso's base hit in the seventh scores Deno from second and further extends our lead. The Padres go on to win 5-2 and are no longer the worst team in all of the land. It's the small victories that count.

Record: 20-40

An Emotionless Team Leads to Lackluster Fans

Tell me if you've heard this one before, the Padres give up a home run to trail early in the game. No?? How about this one, Alonso doesn't collect the out because he got pulled off the bag. No, again?? Well than you clearly haven't been watching the Padres lately. Both things happened with less than two outs in the first inning. It's a good thing I've got the Reds game on too or else I may be a little on the mad side. In the top of the third Everth hit an inside the park home run to my astonishment. Deno took a cue from Everth and hit it to center for a triple, unfortunately he got stranded on third given there were two outs when that happened. Chase doubles to start off the fourth followed by a Quentin single to put runners on the corners for Alonso. Alonso strikes out after what seems to be the worlds longest plate appearance. Cam walks to load the bases on the worlds second longest plate appearance and once again it's theory time. Nick collects an out like usual and it's up to Everth to make or break the inning.

This is where I yell at the Padres for all looking like their dogs just died. Come on boys, you have the bases loaded and the chance to take the lead. There is NO reason to look like every one of your dogs went all Heaven's Gate on you. See, Everth walked in a run and now we have the lead. Usually this is when I yell at pitchers for walking in a run but I'm just so thrilled that we are winning now that I'm not even going to tell him he sucks at life. I will however yell at Volquez for even attempting to hit knowing that two of the previous three batters ended up walking. Note to Volquez, we don't expect you to even move your bat off your shoulder so when the two of three batters before you walk, go ahead and stand there. You would be just as useful.

Weeks apparently thought Chase was a catcher with the way he tried to take him out to avoid the out. Fortunately Chase didn't get hurt and we got the out. Unfortunately, the next batter hit a 3 run home run and the Padres now trail 4-2 going into the top of the fifth. Hart  goes ahead and hits his second home run off Volquez to extend the lead... not like the lead needed to be extended or anything. The Padres got screwed like usual and it ended up costing them another run. Brewers now up 6-2 and it's only the fifth inning. Cam decides to take matters into his own hands during the sixth and gets us back one of those runs with a nice solo shot and the Padres are still showing no emotion whatsoever. Everth about hit an out of the park home run this time with two outs and even though I don't like him, at least he showed some emotion with that double. The Brewers scored three more runs in the seventh but I was too busy making a sammich to notice how or really care how. With two outs in the ninth Logan hits a two run triple to put us in slam range... not like that matters since we can't load the bases on our own much less hit a slam. Padres go on to lose 9-5 and Cashner gets the start tomorrow. I'm scared, really, really, scared.

Record: 19-40

Welcome to Padres Baseball, Marquis

Jason Marquis is learning fast how Padres baseball works. One out into the game and the Giants already have the 1-0 lead with runners on first and second, I hate you Buster Posey. Brandon Belt knocked in another Giants run on a double putting them up 2-0 with runners now on second and third... awesome. My amazing ability of having the attention span of a 2 year old allowed me to catch the middle of the probable starters for the weekend series and Casher gets the start on Saturday because Stults strained his latissimus dorsi. At this rate the Padres are not only going to need to sign numerous players but they will also need to sign me to help fix  the gazillion and one players that are on the DL.

Theroit brings around Blanco in the second giving them a 3-0 lead. As if I didn't hate Posey enough, he hit a home run in the third and I'm REALLY hoping he breaks a leg... again. So far the only thing I'm liking about Marquis is that he is a pitcher that can hit. Pagan HAS to be credited with an error on Cam's double. There is no way a professional player shouldn't have been able to catch that, it was right there. I don't care if errors are the only way we get on, I will take it!! Another error, well what I'm calling an error at least, takes away the shutout as Marquis comes around to score. Chase nearly misses a home run by about a couple feet BUT it brought around two so I'm happy. Padres now trail 4-3 going into the fourth. During the bottom of the sixth the Padres loaded the bases with no outs and my theory gets put into test once again. It took two men to get us out of the inning and according to theory, we will lose this game.

Pagan hit a two run shot to give them a 6-3 lead in the seventh. There is still plenty of time for my boys to come back but after that whole not scoring with bases loaded thing, I'm not getting my hopes up. Aaaaaand the Giants continue to hit home runs further proving that we need to move the fences in...
The Padres once again load the bases, this time in the bottom of the eighth and are given a second chance to prove my theory. Unfortunately they didn't do shit with this opportunity either, further solidifying my theory. Belt knocks in another run to give the Giants a 8-3 lead and I'm more than ready for this game to be over. I seriously feel like I have been watching this game since 10am... I'm missing valuable tanning time here. In the bottom of the ninth the Padres loaded the bases for the third time and for the third time, they failed miserably. Oh how I just love this team. Padres lose 8-3 and now I can go tan.

Record: 19-38

At Least the Padres Are Making It Close...

Not even an out into this game and I already don't like it. The bad guys scored first on what luckily was a ground rule double. Unfortunately they still had two on with no outs and Buster Posey, who by the reaction of the fans last night is apparently God's gift to the Giants, up to bat. God's gift made an out but it was deep enough that a run came around to score which means I'm not happy. The bad guys scored a third run on a passed ball, further extending my disdain for the Giants. Deno started off the bottom of the first with a double to give me some hope that we won't completely suck ass today. The Padres scored on a Chase double to make it 3-1 Giants. Yay, no shutout!! Guzman tripled in Quentin and it appears that we do indeed have a chance to come back and win this game. In the bottom of the second Bumgarner walked Clayton. High five, bro, high five. Blanco had a solo shot to start the top of the fifth for the Giants and this makes me so sad. I miss the Clayton from a few seasons ago where he was awesome and won his games. Cam crushed the ball for his second home run of the season during the fifth and put the Giants lead to one. Blanco continues to have his way with the Padres and with the help of an error, two more bad guy runs score. No bueno!!

Hands down, the highlight of the game, seeing Buster Posey break his leg/ankle again. Lets go ahead and show that every time he is in the game, I won't complain. The Padres loaded the bases with no outs in the sixth, Nick, Everth and Alonso all had the chance to be the bad guy Kryptonite and unfortunately we only good one run out of that. Deno started the seventh off with a triple and came around to score on a Chase sacrifice, once again putting the Giants up by one run, at least we are making it close. The Giants would go on to win 6-5.  So much for me getting use my awesome "I'm the bad guy kryptonite" line for my title, that I stole from Eminem... maybe tomorrow.

Record: 19-38

I Still Got It

If you're wondering what "it" is that I still have, it's the ability to make the Giants lose. Now usually this ability is enhanced because Zito is typically the starter for the Giants when I go and I'm able to eye fuck the shit out of him, obviously weakening him to the point where the Padres take full advantage.

The game started off fantabulously with a Quentin solo shot off Licksumcum in the second giving the Padres the early 1-0 lead which we would keep for some time. Everth had an RBI single to score Chase and make it 2-0 Padres at which point I decided I liked this Licksumcum. Then the Giants got a call as their 3B wasn't on the bag but Logan still got called out... well at least from my vantage point he wasn't on the bag. Everything would be alright when Cam doubled in two runs giving us a 4-0 lead against Licksumcum. The Giants got a run back in the third and the fans behind us were pissing me the fuck off. By their reaction to that one run, you would have thought they just won the game. Calm down bro, you scored one run... check the scoreboard. There were only like four that were doing all of the yelling but they were under the overhang so it sounded like 40.

By that point we had left our seats to go meet with the rest of our twitter family where we remained the rest of the game. During this meet up somehow the fuckbags got a 5-4 lead. Clearly I'm wasn't any kind of happy that we were losing and being around all the crazy wasn't helping either. Little did I know it wasn't going to take long before I was happy again. At one point some dumbfuck ran on the field and we ran to a railing to watch but that's not what I was referring too when I said I would be happy again. I was referring to Quentin crushing another solo shot, this time to dead center to tie the game in the eighth. After that happened we began to mentally prepare ourselves for extra innings. Street came in to pitch the ninth and channeled Heath for a little bit but luckily we got out of the inning unscathed. Enter Logan in the bottom of the ninth. We are still perched in the same placed we had been in since the fourth inning and are thinking this game is going into extras. The next thing we know Logan absolutely murdered the ball to give the Padres the 6-5 win in walk-off style.

I love how Giants fans get all butt hurt when they lose to us and automatically revert to "Oh yeah, well where's your World Series ring??". No "good game" or anything like that. So from now on I think as Padres fans we should channel good old Rafiki and just yell "IT'S IN THE PAST" then point to the scoreboard but knowing Giants fans, they will probably just point out that the Padres are the worst team in baseball. That's when I would point out that they just lost to the worst team in baseball but ya know, that's just me.

Record: 19-37

If I Told You Once, I've Told You a Million Times. Padres Fans Are Masochists

I was about to apologize for not making a post after yesterday's game then I realized, why should I apologize?? All the post would have been is me saying how much I hate Volquez and how many times I yelled at him for bouncing balls and walking players. If you really want to know it went a little something like this, "STOP FUCKING BOUNCING THE BALL!! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING COMPLICATED!!" or "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! STOP WALKING PEOPLE!! God I HATE Volquez." No, I had not been drinking. Fuck was just my word of choice and flipping them off was my hand gesture of choice last night at the game. There was also yelling at Everth and Alonso as per usual and yes those did include various forms of "fuck". With the abundance of fucks thrown around during the game it was only natural that we went to Dick's Last Resort afterwards and that's all I'm going to say about that...


One batter into today's game and the D-Bags announcers proclaimed "So the Padres won't throw a no hitter" Really?! Fuck you too. As if I'm not in a bad enough mood already, I have to hear announcers "joke" about something that the Padres have been failing at since 1969. In the second inning the D-Backs scored first with a stupid home run that bounced over instead of back in play, not sure that would have really mattered though. In the bottom of the fifth Logan tripled because Parra did what you are taught not to do, go in on the ball. He went in, the ball went over, Logan ended up on third and I laughed. Good job, Parra, good job. The Padres had a failed suicide squeeze... so much for having a runner on third with one out. Good thing I'm not at today's game. There's no telling how many little kids would have learned some choice words from me... because I didn't teach enough kids any last night night.


Dear Padres, You had Roberts picked off and you still fucked up?! OH MY FUCKING GOD. STOP PLAYING LIKE THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME EVER!! That error lead to a run being scored because Deno's throw was offline and this day just keeps getting worse and worse for me AND I haven't even mentioned that Parrino got placed on the DL. The D-Bags add two more with a two run shot to center putting them up 4-0. The announcers are killing me today, "These Padres fans are all over their hometown heroes" Umm last I checked Tony Gwynn wasn't playing in this game, dumbass. Six innings into the game and we finally find out why Will got taken out, a strained oblique. In other words he pulled a muscle in his stomach area, more specifically, his side. Parra hit a two run shot as well during the seventh and a bitter Padres fan threw the ball back. Personally, I would have kept the ball and just yelled FUCK YOU and flipped Parra off. It only took 6 runs and 6.1 innings before Black realized, hey lets pull Stults. Maybe, just maybe, Black should have taken a cue from the fans and pulled Stults when everyone was booing him. But I guess that's using your head too much. Welp, the Padres got shut out, losing 6-0 to lose the series.

Meanwhile, I have come up with a genius idea. The Padres need to load the team with hot guys that way when they play like shit people like Colleen and myself, who actually know baseball, wouldn't complain as much. Obviously by people I mean chicks because the guys aren't going to care what the players look like as long as there is and abundance of beer. Speaking of which, maybe the Padres should do some sort of deal where every time  the Padres play like shit they lower the price of beer. Sure they might, I mean will lose money on beer sales but get that shit going and more people will buy tickets which might just make up for the lack of beer sales AND it might cause the stadium to be sold out. Based off the fans I know, Padres fans love their beer so this would be a great idea... until they ran out of beer. Just don't blame me when that happens, I'm just the one that comes up with the ideas, it's the Padres job to figure out all the intricate details. I want to make it clear that this is just a genius thought I had and that this is no way an actual thing, though it probably should be.

Record: 18-37

At Least We Have the San Diego Chicken...

If you were living under a rock and this is the first thing you found, I'm sorry. At least it means that you don't know that Johan Santana threw the first no hitter in Mets history, officially making the Padres the lamest/unluckiest team in all of baseball. We now are the only team in all of the land to not throw a no hitter. If we haven't thrown a no hitter than that means we most definitely haven't thrown a perfect game either and we all know about my theory on the cycle being nothing more than a myth. I suppose I should consider perfect games and no hitters myths as well. Not only have we never done any of those but we have also never won a World Series. So Cubs fans, shut the fuck up and quit your bitching that it's been 100+ years since you've done it, at least you've done it.

Two innings into the game and the chance for a no hitter/perfect game was over before I even had the chance to wish for either. By the third inning the D-Bags, I mean D-Backs, took a 1-0 lead. My boy Alexi tripled in the third, which was quite exciting to watch and even more exciting when he came around to score, tying the game at 1. Yay, Team Fun Size. Things lost excitement until the top of the eighth when Cashner nearly drilled Young. Needless to say Young was not thrilled with it and once he got to first, let his opinion be known so much so that Alonso had to hold him back and the benches cleared. There was no brawl  and I was disappointed but you knew Young was going to get his 'revenge' by stealing second. He tried and failed... SUCKA!! To channel Kenny Powers, You're fucking out!!

Team Fun Size bunted for a base hit to start the momentum in the Padres half of the eighth after Everth got out... again. Guzman came in to pinch hit and crushed a 2 run shot to put the Padres up 3-1 followed promptly by a Deno single. Cam got in on the hit parade and tripled in Deno making it a 4-1 game and probably the most excited I've been to watch a game in a long time. Alonso walked followed by a Quentin single to make it 5-1 Padres with one out in the bottom of the eighth. The Padres pinch ran for Quentin which is baffling considering Alonso was on second. How about if you're going to pinch run for someone you make sure you don't have someone slow for them to run behind, just a thought. Chase was walked to load the bases and Nick singled in two runs because Upton is having issues in right and I can't stop laughing. Okay, they didn't give him a single, they gave Upton an error but I don't care, Nick finally got a damn hit. Everyone got a hit in that inning except Everth and you wonder why I don't like him. As much as I love all this scoring, I would like for some of them to be saved for tomorrows game. Padres win 7-1 and I'd like to personally thank Chris Young for being a douche bag and setting a fire under the Padres asses.

Record: 18-35