When Zombies Write Posts...

Warning: The following post has been written and "proof read" by a Zombie, any and all nonsensical statements were not on purpose. I apologize for the confusion and hope you can decipher Zombie. If you can't, feel free to send me an abundance of Jamba Juice's Strawberry Surfrider with extra immunity boosts to ensure there will be no more Zombie guest appearances this season, thanks. Oh and if you put some Vodka in it I'm sure that will help loads too. Thanks.

Guess what, Alonso got an RBI single in the second inning to give us an early lead and I wasn't looking... again. Wieland was doing work for himself tonight, killing it on the mound and raking a base hit as well PLUS he always wears the uni the right way and I love him for that. With Wieland on first Deno crushes the ball, if any other player with the exception of probably Alonso and maybe Nick, that double would have been an RBI but it's not and that's okay because it was done with no outs. Wait a minute, this is the Padres and we like to strand guys in scoring position when we have no outs... the third inning was no different than 97% of the season.  I checked twitter after we didn't bring the runners from second and third around and saw this tweet....

To which I responded "you know that means we won't end up winning right #AshleyTheories I'm totally ok with them proving me wrong though". Clearly my theories are correct and I need to trademark them or something before some ass dick steals them.

Well that fucktard Braun went and hit a HR to tie the game in the fourth inning and now I'm a pissed off Zombie. Alonso's failed attempt to dig the ball out of the dirt after Hudson made a somewhat fantastical play to save the ball from going into RF did not help make me a non pissed off Zombie. I swear I need to go and show Alonso how to dig balls out of the dirt or at the very least get him to do the splits so he can extend that reach just a little further. I promise I won't stretch your boy parts... too much. 

Good Lord, the fourth inning has turned into a shit show for the Padres and they now trail 3-1. Bartlett did something surprising and got an RBI double and moved to third on the throw to the plate. Alonso on his attempt to score apparently forgot he was playing baseball and not hockey and body checked the catcher... it was ugly. If you're planning on trying to take the catcher out can you at least slide and make it look like I expect it to look?? Either way the Padres got one run back. 

Welp, that douche lord Braun did it again and the Padres now trail 5-2 in the fifth. I'm not entirely convinced that he wasn't and or isn't on steroids. He absolutely murdered that ball, in the marine layer no less. So much for Wieland killing it on the mound... it's not his fault he had to face that needle ass (word courtesy of Jeremy Nash). Padres had runners on first and third with no outs in the bottom of the sixth  and Bartlett hits into a DP but the runner on third scores, sweet Padres down by 2 now. Enter Frieri in the seventh and enter another HR for that fuckbag, Braun, in the boxscore. Padres now trail 6-3 and my patience for this game is beginning to run out... don't they know I could be watching my cheesy gymnastics show instead?? 

Apparently Mark Grant and Dick Enberg are just as over this game as I am because they just felt the need to show us the insides of a baseball which is totally disturbing. It's way grosser than the insides of people and animals. I should know, I'm the weirdo that enjoys dissections and watching surgical videos. Damn, that motherfucker did it again.. well not a HR but a 2 run triple, close enough. How have we not figured out to maybe walk him or conveniently let one slip and drill him in the face?? Seriously four plate appearances, three of which resulted in HR's and not one of them caused anyone to think "hey maybe we should walk this guy??" we fail at life.

Clearly when a Zombie writes a post you get some colorful names as well as some off the wall shit too. I'm not sorry. Just be glad I'm not sleep deprived, it would be worse which may have made it more interesting... Padres lose 8-3.

Record: 7-17

The Padres Lose but I Got to Play in a Spongebob Jumper So It's Okay

Clearly my decision, and by decision I mean having no choice, to go play in a jumper at my nephews birthday party instead of watching the game live was a smart one. Okay, I had a choice to play in the jumper. I did not however have a choice on going to the party. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and all but can you not schedule things when there is baseball on?? Thanks. But like I said, it looks like going to the party was the smart decision as I am watching the game off the DVR right now and Clayton already screwed up his pick off attempt and Venable well yeah... Not to mention Clayton and his whole lets give up a HR to Pablo thing, giving the Giants an early 2-0 lead. Let me just say, I have seen enough HR's given up by my pitchers today and I don't want to see anymore for the rest of the season. I know that's asking for a lot but what can I say, I expect the best #SpoiledBratProblems. That final out in the bottom of the third was smart on both Parrino and Clayton's part. After the ball caromed off Guzman I thought "awesome, there's an extra out for the Giants" but Parrino did something that I honestly don't think Hudson would have done, played the carom and made the throw to Clayton who thought enough to cover first. I didn't expect Clayton to be covering first especially since I didn't expect Parrino to play the carom, well done boys, well done. Deno cut the lead in half during the fifth with an RBI double to score Bartlett. Clayton is clearly not having it today as he gave up a 2 run triple in the bottom of the sixth and I'm not entirely sure I believe Venable's attempt to catch it and save a run. Then again I'm half heartedly paying attention to this game. I guess that's what happens when you have been feeling like crap for the past couple days and spent some time playing in a little kids jumper earlier in the day. Lesson not learned. Unless I feel like I'm about to have an exorcist moment, you can bet your ass that I will eventually end up in a jumper. With the Giants leading 4-1 in the eighth the Padres bring in Thayer and dear God, his facial hair is traumatizing me. I may need to do a covert operation to shave him which is probably a bad idea because I might accidentally go all Sweeney Todd on him given I've never tried to shave a man before. Enough with the movie references, the game is over and the Padres lose 4-1 meaning we get to wait just a little longer before we get to win a series this season...

Record: 7-16

Licksumcum Pulls Out the W

This game has to have been one of the most boring games so far this season. Of course it was a typical low scoring game that you would think I would be used to by now but no, my dumbass still expects more than one run to be scored in a game by my Padres. I guess this is what happens when you start watching teams like the Reds who, you know, have the ability to score multiple runs on a regular basis. The closest thing to excitement was in the fourth inning when Alonso and Cam crushed the ball but that fucker, pardon my French, Cabrera took away both possible extra base hits. Naturally after each crack of the bat I yelled "Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going!! Fuck you!!" at the television because they can totally hear me through it. The most confusing part of this game was during the second inning. Why the hell was that Leila chick, who I can't stand by the way, talking to us about Licksumcum's thoughts about his performance so far this season?? Last I checked, Padres fans didn't give a shit what he has to say, or any what any Giants have to say for that matter.


Bass took a perfect game into the sixth before, of course, Licksumcum broke it up. Why can't the Padres ever catch a break with these things?! Last I knew, Friars were tight with God so this whole not having anyone hit for the cycle or throw a perfect game thing is kind of ridiculous. In the matter of one inning we went from a perfect game to losing 2-1, awesome. A "controversial" call at first ultimately lead to the lead being taken away from us. I'm telling you, Alonso, point your fucking toes!! I can almost guarantee you that if he would have pointed his damn toe, we would have got that out. I'm not going to bitch about the ump because he made the right call but seriously, point your fucking toes next time. I'm down to go teach him how to do that if that's what it takes, after all I do have close to 20 years of toe pointing experience aaaaaaaand now I feel really old. Anyway, Bass had a damn good outing minus the whole giving up the perfect game to the pitcher thing. During the bottom of the ninth the Padres pinch ran Bartlett for Alonso... and that just became the most confusing part of the game. I thought the whole reason Bartlett wasn't in the starting lineup was to rest his knee. Pretty sure pinch running isn't how you rest a knee but then again I'm only an athletic training student so what would I know about anything like that?? Padres lose 2-1 and our win streak comes to an end. I guess we will just have to start a new one tomorrow, good thing it's Sunday, funday, runday.

Record: 7-15


PS. For the record, I can no longer pronounce Licksumcum properly so that's why it's spelled the way it is throughout this post.

Watch Out Bitches, We're Coming!!

First thing's first, I love my Cory no matter how he plays but that will not stop me from going off on him if he has a bad outing... not saying he had one tonight, just saying in general. Secondly, those Giants uniforms are quite possibly one of the ugliest uniforms I have ever seen. Seriously, it looks like a pumpkin threw up all over them. If I had to chose between those and the Padres old yellow and brown ones, I'd chose the yellow and brown. Hands down and I absolutely hate those uniforms.


Okay, so Nick had an RBI double to do something that I don't think has been done yet this season, give our starter a lead before he even takes the mound. Unfortunately that lead didn't last long. My boy gave up a HR and you bet your ass I had some constructive criticism for him. We hadn't even made it through the first inning and already collected two errors, one on Chase and one on my boy Parrino. Chase's error pulled Alonso off the bag and as you know I'm not a fan of Alonso so I had some constructive criticism for him too. It went something along the lines of "point your fucking toes". It might not be much but pointing his toes could have given him the extra stretch he needed to get the out... gymnast concerns. Clearly Parrino was channeling Bartlett when he committed his error because there is no other explanation for him to not make that. Hudson is still doing work and with an RBI double the Padres took the lead once again. Cam helped out with an RBI single extending our lead to 3-1. Okay, it seems as if Parrino channeled Bartlett the entire game. I don't appreciate that. I also don't appreciate Posey getting an RBI double to make it a 3-2 game, go break your leg again. Okay I don't mean that. Wait, yeah I do... that was an awesome injury and I'm broken like that. Hudson committed an error putting the error count in this game at 3 and causing me to yell "OH JESUS!!" in fear that we were never going to get out of this fifth inning. Guzman had a double in the seventh followed by a stolen base and a Headley RBI to give the Padres a 4-2 lead. A wild pitch brought in Chase from third making it 5-2 Padres. Clearly I should have sat awkwardly on the couch earlier during the game and maybe the Giants would have started falling apart a little bit sooner. Cashner continues to do his best to make sure that I don't like him by almost walking Posey only to give up a HR to him, which cut the Padres lead to two. Street came in to get the save and I'm not entirely sure he doesn't wear his pants like that to traumatize me. No joke, they are so tight that even when he bends over they are still up his ass. I hate that I'm so concern about the health of his balls but once again, I'm broken like that. I also am waiting for the game where he just rips his pants mid pitch. Guarantee you I won't be able to stop laughing if that happens. Alonso about made the game last longer than it needed to and I may or may not have yelled "you suck at life" at him before he managed to get the ball to Street for the final out. Padres win 5-3 and have another win streak going on.

And because it feels like it's been too long since I've bitched about the strike zone... Riddle me this, since when is pitch 2 a ball??

Record: 7-14

PS. For the record I may wish an injury on someone but I very rarely actually want anyone to get hurt. I just really enjoy seeing a good injury.

Girls Know Baseball Too

That awkward moment where you know more about baseball than the two guys talking around you about it and they ignore you when you say anything only to announce what you just said 2 minutes later after they looked it up on their phones. Yeah that just happened this afternoon. I was super annoyed by this. Also they were acting like it was no surprise we lost 7-1 yesterday. Hi, umm we were in it until the bullpen shit the bed as I tried to explain but of course was ignored. I also had tried to explain that the Nats are actually good right now. Oh and they thought it was big news that Bell blew a save... ummm he's been blowing saves left and right this season. Apparently it's lets ignore the tiny girl who is "trying" to talk baseball with us week because they did this shit on Tuesday too. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't know shit about baseball. I don't wear baseball stuff cause I think it's cute... usually. Not to mention I had to correct one of them on Tuesday when they tried to tell me that Spence throws triple digits. I informed them it's Cashner and I got a "whatever" response. Not my fault you don't know your facts bro. Sorry, I'm in a bad mood and that shit really pissed me off today, I had to get that out.


Now that that rant is over it's time for the relevant stuff. So whatever Cam's streak was must have been broken yesterday because he is back to not wearing his uniform the way I like it. That makes me really sad, what doesn't make me sad is the fact that the San Diego Chicken was there tonight. Well actually it does make me sad because I wasn't there to see him in person. Like I just said, the San Diego Chicken made an appearance during the 4th inning and caused me to start doing the Chicken Dance. Not even joking, I sat here doing the Chicken Dance and singing the song. His appearance also caused the Padres to have the bases loaded with one out, until Bartlett came up then it was obviously it was up to Volquez to bring in the runners himself. Clearly we don't deserve to win this game because as you should know by now my theory on having the bases loaded and not being able to score. Tonight is just proving my theories correct, first the bases loaded one and then the triple one. The Nationals got the lead first... fucking Jason Werth and his fucking bum ass beard. Volquez and Alonso did very well tonight but I still don't like either of them. Volquez just looks like he doesn't belong in a Padres uniform and if you have been following me on twitter these past few days you know that I feel like Alonso is a giant douche bag. I have never met him but he has something about him that just screams "I'm a giant douche" and I will continue to think this until I meet him and am proved wrong. We seriously did not deserve to win this game but Kotsay thought differently. He gave us the lead and we got to see Street and his suffocating pants come in and get the save for the first time in awhile, potentially starting a new win streak. Padres win 2-1

Record: 6-14

Guess Who's Back, Back Again...

The shitty Padres of the first three weeks of the season are back. Fan-fucking-tastic. What happened to those boys who showed up in the final two games against the Phillies?? I miss those ones. Wherever you guys are, can you please come back out of hiding?? We need you to come out and play if we want to enjoy the rest of the season and I think I speak for every Padres fan when I say that we do indeed want to enjoy these games. So come play with us, pretty please with cherries on top and whipped cream and hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles and, and... me?? Or all of that on me. If it makes you come out of hiding, I'm game. Now that you've got that mental image in your brain, I'm going to give you a new one. I feel like Street's pants are so tight that he's going to get a yeast infection... if that's even possible. You're welcome. You should have read that off my twitter but I had to share that on here too because that is a legitimate concern. My theory is if I don't own clothing that tight, a guy shouldn't either. Pretty sure it's a health risk for your balls and being a professional level athlete I would assume you would want to do everything in your power to make sure you pass on those highly developed genes. Speaking of a relief pitcher's balls, I really wish our bullpen would be consistent again. One day they get the job done, the other day they implode. Our bullpen has often been the only bright spot on this team and now well, we are just lucky if they don't walk in a run. I fear that this season is going to drag on and that I will begin to lose love for this team. I absolutely love baseball but if we continue to play like this I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh yeah, Hudson hit a HR, Cam still wore his uni the right way and Alonso finally got a hit when I was watching unfortunately we lost 7-2.

Record: 5- 14

An Awkward Dive, a Phantom Balk and an Ejection

I feel like the way I have been titling some of these post that I'm writing the titles for episodes of Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place. So yeah, Clayton had a no hitter going through five and then the Nats got a hit and Deno made the most awkward dive on a one hop ball. Why he dove after the ball dropped, I have no idea but it was ugly and I wish he didn't do that. In the sixth the home plate ump called a balk on Clayton... seriously?! You don't know by now that that is his pick off move and not a balk?? The phantom balk call led to an ejected Bud Black... awesome, finally something exciting happened in this game. For once I wasn't being sarcastic when I said that. I am legitimately annoyed that this game was so boring considering how worked up I was earlier when I was trying my hardest to get the rest of the Reds game during class... I never got it to work and that is totally contributing to my annoyed state right now. Anyway, Cam is once again wearing his uni the proper way which proves to me that my theory was right and that he does indeed have a superstition going on. Clayton got pulled after 6 1/3 and allowing two runs to come in and score leaving it up to Luke to get out of the inning and strand the runner on first. Also Clayton needs to get a new hat because all that salt around it is beginning to disgust me. Parrino came in to pinch-hit for Bartlett and my heart jumped for joy, then jumped again when his bloop single and Werth's inability to pick up the ball led to Cam coming around to score and once more when Parrino stole second. Have I mentioned how much I love Parrino?? Exciting moment of the game number two, Chase nearly taking Burnett's head off. I would have been scared for the guy but I was too busy yelling "OH SHIT!!" when the ball didn't take his head off. Venable had a "Not Top Ten" moment losing the ball in the lights which lead to a triple that eventually came around to score to give the Nats a 3-1 lead in the top of the ninth and that is how the game and our win streak ends. It also proves my theory about an off day coming in the midst of a win streak. Now on to the next day.

Record: 5-13