Yasmani Called Up and the Side Effects Are Unknown

Word has it that Yasmani Grandal got called up. In light of the news I tweeted the following...

And that tweet lead to me and Scott turning our catchers into various forms of birth control as seen here...

As with any birth control pill Yaz may cause the following side effects; breast tenderness, bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods, nausea, stomach cramps or bloating, vomiting and weight gain. Hopefully Yas doesn't come with the same side effects but the side effects of this move are still unknown and may take awhile to develop. Consult your elder Padres fans if unwanted side effects do appear. They may be able to help you cope with them but not fully eliminate them.

And this is how I manage to make a post on an off-day when I hadn't planned on making one to begin with. Other than the news of him being called up I have no idea the moves being made in order to make it happen. Unfortunately for him, he is forever going to be associated with birth control to me.

I'd Like to Welcome You to the Carlos Quentin Show

Dear Padres,

You aren't supposed to be slump busters, you're supposed to be Cub Busters because my shirt that's older than I am says so.
Sincerely,
An annoyed, that you got swept by the Cubs, fan

The Padres take the 2-0 lead in the second thanks to a Deno two run home run and in true Chicago fashion the Cubs fan threw the ball back, well not THE ball back but A ball back. He threw it with all his might and it was quite hilarious. He literally put all his weight behind it and it was very, very comical to say the least. During the bottom of the second the Cubs continued to have their "anything you can do I can do better" mentality as they tied the game. Quentin wasn't having that as he also hit a two run home run to give the Padres back the lead. Unfortunately Quentin couldn't cut the ball off in the fourth and the Cubs got one of those runs back to make it a 4-3 ballgame. Once again Quentin hits a two run shot and this game has become the Carlos Quentin show. He is making the Cubs pitcher look like a little league pitcher... so this is what excitement feels like.

By the fifth inning Bass looked like he was donezo which became very apparent when he walked in a run. With the bases loaded and two outs Black calls on Mikolas, my lizard man, to get out of the inning without causing anymore damage. Unfortunately he walked in a run as well and our lead was cut to a one run lead. Now the hope of getting out of this inning rests on Hinshaw's shoulders. Cashner came in for the bottom of the eighth and gave up a hit, a walk and another hit to tie the game. Clearly, he doesn't like that Steph is gone. Alonso with his stupid lack of speed hit into a double play in the ninth which was promptly followed by a Quentin double. Thanks for fucking up the game Alonso, we could have had the lead back and I could have gone on to tan soon but no you hate me for hating you, it's obvious. Thayer gave up a two run walk off homer run and the Cubs win 8-6. I'm just glad the game didn't go into extras.

I fear with all these home runs the Padres have been hitting this series that it is tricking them into thinking they are a home run hitting team and that they will be trying too hard to do so when they come back to Petco this weekend.

Record: 17-35

Is Your Team Slumping?? Just Send In the Padres

We know going into yesterday's game the Cubs were in the midst of a 12 game losing streak, one of which we broke for them. Obviously if you're in the middle of a ridiculously long streak like that, you need to play us and we will get you back on track. If only there was a team to do that for us.

I was beginning to think there wasn't going to be anything for me to write about, then Quentin hit his first home run of the season to give the Padres the 1-0 lead in the fifth. Yeah, it took that long before anyone scored. See why I didn't think I was going to have anything to write about?? Apparently the Cubs have this 'anything you can do I can do better' attitude going on because in their half of the fifth they decided it was time to score too and not only did they score but they took the lead, fucktards. Stults pulled an Alonso in the sixth with the whole I'm just gonna run and assume the ball isn't going to be caught then get doubled up thing to end the inning. Have I mentioned how much I hate Soriano?? That hatred grows tremendously every time he hits a home run against us like he did in the bottom of the sixth to put them up 3-1. Baker singled in Quentin to make this game last longer than I'm wanting it to. Stults got pulled during an at bat in the seventh and Brach went on to finish the at bat while Baker let Stults base runner come around to score on a passed ball. I feel like this inning was an odd one and that wasn't even putting into consideration the balk on Stults. Will tripled in my boy Parrino in the eighth but of course he gets the damn triple when he doesn't need it for a possible cycle. Can we credit the triple to Quentin so that he can get the cycle?? No?? Damn. Cubs scored another run in the bottom of the eighth and would go on to win 5-3.

Record: 17-34

I Don't Enjoy When Things Make Me Feel Bipolar

In the first inning Quentin doubled in Deno then took third on an error trying to get Deno out at home. Nice way to start your season. In the matter of two batters the Padres lead is gone. Seriously?! You do realize we are playing the Cubs right?? A sacrifice scores another run for the Cubs to make it 2-1 and I'm finding this to be serious bullshit. The Cubbies hit a solo shot in the second putting them up 3-1 now but it's okay because Will hit a HR in the top of the third to give us a run back and making me feel slightly better about the possibility of  not being completely embarrassed by the Cubs. In true Wrigley Field fashion the ball was thrown back onto the field and now I need to watch Rookie of the Year.

Chase tied up the game in the fourth with a solo shot of his own and now all hope is restored that we will win this game. Everth is still doing his best to impress me by joining Chase with a solo shot in this inning, putting us up 4-3. Soriano doubled in a run to tie the game and if it wasn't apparent before that this game is going to be a weird one, it is now. Ian Stewart regained the lead for the Cubs with a two run shot and Suppan was not happy with it... if only he was mic'd up. Chase is loving playing in Wrigley today because he just did work with a two run shot to tie the game up once again in the top of the fifth. Parrino comes around to score on an RBI single/obstruction double?? by Will giving the Padres the 7-6 lead in the top of the sixth. Just like that Hinshaw gives up a two run shot to Soriano for his second of the game and the fifth lead change of the game. This is ridiculous and I do not enjoy feeling bipolar. It's bad enough that Skype makes me feel this way but to have something I love this much do it, it's just plain rude.

During the seventh there was a bird straight chilling on the field and I was just waiting for it to meet a baseball. Part of me really wanted to see it happen just because I've never personally seen a bird explode from being hit by a baseball but part of me didn't want to because the thing is cute. Luke gave up a two run HR to give the Cubs a 10-7 lead... knock it off Padres pitchers. Stewart knocked in another run for the Cubs and I can't seriously believe we are losing to a team that is worse than we are. Correction, I can't believe we lost to a team worse than we are. Okay, maybe I can. I'm pretty sure we have done more bizarre things. Padres lose 11-7 and I'm embarrassed. We do not deserve to be a major league team and have hit an all new low as far as I'm concerned.

Record: 17-33

To Whom It May Concern

I decided to do something a little different tonight. Instead of giving a summary of the game I'm going to write love notes to some of the Padres and or people affiliated with the Padres, some of which may be related to today's game. Did I say love notes?? I mean tough love notes and you're annoying me notes.

Dear Alonso, do you not realize you're Adrian slow?? You can't stretch a single into a double so stop trying. Thanks.

Dear Leila, shut up. I don't turn the game on to listen to you. If you insist on being there can you wait until like the post game show where I have already turned the TV off?? Or if you really want you can do the pregame show where I have yet to turn the TV on. You are pointless and annoying as hell during the game. Same goes to you Sweeney. It's really not necessary to have in game interviews of fans or random "updates" that we most likely heard before the game even started.

Dear Mark Grant, your ulnar collateral ligament doesn't extend all the way to your wrist. It connects your humerus to your ulna. Last time I checked, that specific area isn't anywhere near your wrist.
See, no wrist around.

The top two show the UCL. In the bottom two, the UCL is missing

Dear Nick, did you forget how to catch?? I mean that is your job title soooooo what was up with that whole passed ball to score a run in the fifth thing??

Dear Padres, can we figure out how to win by the time you come home again?? I mean our next series is against the Cubs and they are worse than us so we should be able to win, right??

Record: 17-32

Hi, My Name is Ashley and I'm a Masochist

So I woke up super late and started the game as I was eating lunch. One out into the bottom of the first and I was already over the game, then Scott Hairston hit a three run HR. I kind of miss Shrek. He always seemed like a really nice guy and he did have a flare for the dramatics when he was with us and this HR made me want him back... again. If you don't get why I called him Shrek go back and look at his photo in the Padres Blue Prints, he looks like Shrek and Matt Stairs looks like Captain Barbossa. Go look, you're welcome. Two batters later the Mets hit another HR and I really was over this game but like the masochist I am, I stuck it out. In the top of the sixth Tekotte pinch hit for Cam and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. Cam is one of the only players on the team that I legitimately like so I really hope this sprained wrist isn't going to keep him out for too long. Fun fact: strains are what happens to muscles/ tendons and sprains are what happens to ligaments. Okay so maybe I'm the only one that cares about that. This fucker, Davis doubled in a run in the bottom of the eighth to extend the Mets lead to five. I love that Andy Masur announced in the bottom of the eighth that the Mets won already. Please tell me he was talking about the old clip they showed before that I wasn't paying attention to and that he didn't just give up all hope on the team before that grand slam was hit. Yeah, I'm conveniently ignoring that fact. Padres lose 9-0 and I could have done without watching this game.

Record: 17-31

Padres Lose so It's Back to Having an Irrational Crush On a Fictional Character For Me

Well the Padres scored first with one out on a sac fly to left only to be doubled up because Alonso is a slow fuck and can't judge whether or not a fly ball will be caught. Seriously doesn't he know that he's only supposed to go halfway and not round second before he knows whether or not the ball is going to be caught?! I can only imagine how the rest of the inning would have gone if he didn't fuck that up for the second time this season. The Padres lead didn't last long as Bass gave up a solo HR to Duda. The ex-Padres are striking back today as Baxter drove in a run to give the Mets a 2-1 lead in the third. Baxter came around to score on an RBI single making it 3-1 Mets and causing me to hope for another rain delay like yesterday.

By the fifth inning the Mets were up 6-1 and I was ready to turn the game off and watch Saved by the Bell. Okay, I was ready to turn the game off before they scored those three runs in the fifth. By the eighth inning I had made and finished some hot chocolate hoping that it would wake me up enough to want to watch the rest of the game... it didn't work. I ended up pulling out a blanket and a pillow for the rest of the game. Between those innings the Padres had some base runners but in true Padres fashion, they did nothing with them. At one point, Hinshaw looked to have rolled his ankle and after a few minutes and a look by the assistant trainer he continued to pitch and get out of the inning. To me, that was a waste of time and was obvious that he didn't roll it bad enough to need to pause the game but that's only because I've intentionally and unintentionally done that to my ankle numerous times and knew he was fine. The Padres may have been losing but at least they put in Hinshaw and Mikolas for me to stare at at the end of the game. We clearly used all our hits and runs yesterday because we went on to lose 6-1... At least now I can go back to watching Saved by the Bell and having an irrational crush on a fictional character.

Record: 17-30